This was posted in my journal...But not many people read it. I doubt I'll get many replies on this, because it's so long and pointless. But it's worth a try.

So I've been thinking.

And it's true. I am losing everything.

But at the same time, I'm gaining confidence.

The amount of confidence I need to go through with this.

To end it all.

My friends. I've lost them.

My family. Isn't a family anymore.

School. Isn't a place where I learn. It's a place where I'm constantly harassed and made fun of.

My boyfriend. Is the most annoying piece of shit, but I love him. I think.



I've thought of a plan.

It's attention that I need, and it's attention that I'm going to get.



No, not the attention that people want to make themselves look innocent or needy.

The attention I want so that I actually becomed noticed.

I've thought of various ways that I could hospitalize myself. Imagine my "friends" and "family" if they finally realized how much danger my life really is in.

I've obviously made it a habit where I don't eat anymore. It doesn't even bother me. An empty stomach is like an everyday routine for me now.



If I could stop eating, even for a week or two...I'd have a one way ticket to the hospital. The hospital is where I could regain my thoughts, without worrying about people forgetting about me. Without worrying about school.

Okay that's seriously the stupidest fucking thing ever.

I can't get over this.

I WAS GETTING BETTER.

I had a loving boyfriend, and I was feeling happier than I had been in so long.

And now, it's like...I've literally lost everything. I've lost every person I love, and every bit of self worth that I had in myself.

I slowly realized that people don't give a shit. They don't wanna hear about my problems.

They don't want to hear it. They don't want to see it. They don't wanna talk about it.

I thought I was over my suicidal issues and depression.

Now I see that it's worse than ever. I've honestly never felt this bad in my life before.

I've had some rough times, especially these past months. But this is horrible. I can't wake up one morning without thinking 'You don't want to go out, you're too ugly. What till people think? No, you'd rather stay at home and do nothing. Aren't you going to call a friend? Oh...what friends? Did you finish your homework? No. Can't concentrate. Back to the computer...'

I felt like I had people to talk to.

I really just want this to end.

I can't take it anymore. I need help soon. I don't see a reason to live. If there's no reason, then there's no hope in staying alive.

I had him. I had her. I had them.

Now I'm alone. I'm so alone...