About two years ago I lost everything I had given myself to...the church I grew up with became too enthralled in rules and regulations in so much that permission from the minister was required to fellowship with my friend...soon I was discouraged and I slowly became isolated from everyone I knew. At one time I had dreamt of becoming a missionary but lost faith not only in God but in myself...then I lost a husband of almost 11 years to adultery and my world has never been the same...I no longer have the will to keep on going and I am merely existing...I feel numb to eveything and everyone...I think almost daily what death might mean to me and have many thoughts about ending my life...I tell myself that what I've gone through is nothing compared to others and I feel ashamed of what I've become...but I feel I'm losing in the midst of my chaos and that it's no use to call out for help...but I'm pleading, for the sake of others, for help...would someone care to reach out to me when I have no answers and only questions plague my mind?
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...