My mind has decided. I am going to do it Friday. I am not going to tell my pdoc, my CPN or the home treatment team. Even if I did they wouldnt care. They wouldnt do anything. They'd just tell me I'm an adult now and its my choice like they did before. I'm not going to waste my breath and energy. I've been trying to get help since I came out of hospital in January and have got no firther than where I started. I'm not scared, frankly I feel relieved. This has lifted my depression and given me a sense of release. These last two days I've been planning it I've felt great about it. Selfish as that is. I will be away from everything. The thought of living like this for another 30 years makes me sick. Having this plan has given me something to aim for. Instead of days on end feeling like I am living in the pits of darkness barely able to drag myself out of bed before 2pm. There is no one left to ring anymore. I have tried everything to get help. But I just cant be bothered anymore. My CPN says she doesnt want me to become some inquest then a 'deceased' file so why doesnt she actually do something instead of just talking at me. I hope she reads this and my profile so she knows just how much agony I have been in. No one knows what I have been through in my life. I saw and did things as a child that no one should do or see. And I never told a soul, I never spoke to anyone before I came on here. So I am going to live my life like I have never lived before this week. Because I have never had the chance. I have always lived in abject misery. I feel sorry for my friends and family but its been hurting for so so so long. I just want a break from it all. Is that so much to ask? I doubt many people with bother reading this or replying so I dont know why I'm posting. I dont want attention or anything warped like that. It just helps to know people care. I wish I felt i had the power to change things but I dont feel like I do. There is literally nothing I havent tried, several times. I've thought I cant get more desperate than this, then wham, I go even lower. Well, I cant take any more. Simple as that.
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