I know that by now that all of you are sick and tired of hearing my self-pity,etc and that you know that my long-term case manager has gone on to a new job. I still haven't heard from my "new" case worker and I'm feeling very unloved/unwanted, but the the thing I really want/need to say is so stupid that you'll all laugh and please feel free to do us. My mother died on Oct 12, 2004 in a hospital and I wasn't able to get to the hospital in time to be with her at her last breath. We had a "sitter" with her so she wasn't alone, but I had been there for my step-father who I loved so much and he died at home and I was with him when he passed. Anyway, since she died I had my boyfriend with me and I never really dealt with her being dead. I planned the whole thing and even wrote her obit, etc. but not many tears. Suddenly as Xmas gets closer and since my boyfriend left me in jan of this year it will be my first year totally alone. My natural brother doesn't speak to me so no invite to his place, etc. I've been crying for weeks since I found out that my CM was leaving (talk about transference) all I want to do, all I pray for is to talk to my Mom one more time, I miss her so much. I just want to pick up the phone and talk to her. When she was alive I talked to her everyday on the phone no matter where I lived. I even spoke to her from Amsterdam when I was there on holiday. I miss my mom so much. I acutally pick up the phone without thinking and then catch myself. I miss my mom.....I just want to die so badly so that I can see her, be with her, again. We even had the same birthday. Does anyone else miss a parent so badly that it physically hurts. I can't keep cutting on myself to break the tears, but it's the only thing that seems to help.
Thanks for listening.