My birthday just passed and everything seems to be going downhill. I'm not sad b/c I'm a year older; I'm sad b/c nothing in my life is making me happy. I live w/my mom partially b/c I'm free of financial responsibilities while in school and partially b/c we're Russian (you don't move out of your house until you get married-especially if you're female). I feel that my mom (single w/one daughter already married away) expects me to fill a role of a husband. I also have a fiancee, who seemed like the greatest guy in the world, but he doesn't understand my family values. For example, I will avoid going out just for the sake of keeping peace between me and my mom. He thinks I use her as an excuse for not hanging out with him more. I can't seem to balance both of them. Also I never wanted to get married before I had a chance to live on my own, which I don't see happening. I'm not sure if I want to get married. My best friend tells me he's not for me, my gut tells me he's not for me, but I love him. Or am I just used to him? I've had other serious relationships, but this is the only guy I ever wanted to marry(I seemed to know this from the very beginning of our relationship. We discussed it constantly b/c he wanted it, too. Three years later I don't feel the way he does). I'm afraid the only reason I want to get married is to get away from my mom. As much as she supports me financially, she burdens me mentally w/her constant worrying or criticising of my character. I am always torn between choosing my mom or my fiancee. Whoever I choose the other one isn't happy. I feel like my mom is jealous/resentful of me going out. My fiancee, on the other hand, has been on his own since he was 16, so he has a vague idea of what type of bullshit parents can throw at you (especially the foreign ones). It feels great to get some of my woes off my chest. Even though I talk to my best friend about it, it doesn't seem the same.
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