I feel so horrible, I have gotten so much love and support from so many people on this site and I feel like I am letting everyone down. I tried so hard I really did. But I have fallen yet again and I can't pull myself together, I couldn't even make it into my apprentice appointment. I couldn't stop crying enough to even get half way there. I had to pull over. I probably sat and cried for an hour before I finally made it back home. And I still can't get it together. I am so scared right now. I try to deny it and hide it from everyone, because I don't want people to think that I don't care, and that I'm not trying, But the gods honest truth is, I still don't want to be here. I try for my kids, I don't want to hurt them, But I really can't do this anymore. I feel like I died a few years ago, but I just keep breathing. I have times when I get up a little, like I have the last few days, but it never last long and I fall right back down. every time it happens it gets harder and harder to get back up. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. And other than DS I am totally alone. I have my kids, but they are kids. I know they know more than I would like them to, but I have still kept a lot from them. I can tell them about the external problems we are facing, But I could and would never tell them how badly I wish I could die. I do. I want it so badly. I will try and just get thru the moment and make it thru another day. But it's so hard and I really dont know how much longer I can hang on. I love my kids and that is the thread that is holding me here. I once had professionals to turn to, but they became tired too. I wish I had just one other reason to be here other than to spare the feelings of the two kids who were unfortunate enough to have me for a Mother. It feels like my heart is being ripped out and I feel like as soon as anyone reads this, they will feel that I am a total waste of time like the people at mental health did. I know Im not thinking clearly, I know its the depression or what ever, but it still hurts. It hurts so bad, and Im not strong enough to keep doing this. No one would chose this. No one. If I could change my bad attitude I would I want to be happy, but Im not. And its exhausting pretending all the time. Im just so sorry.
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