I have felt just like this as well. It it a sad and lonely place to be. Missing who you once were and things you did. Things didnt really change for me until I got into therapy and I was prescribed meds. Even then the meds were trial and error. You can feel good again. My only advice would be to be honest with your doctor and dont settle for feeling bad. Be persistant and active with treatment. Take care and there are lots of people here who feel the same way as you. Come here for support and you will get through this.

Only meds & therapy got me out of the big black hole.

Well... a lot of us feel like that on here :) Thtas why you have come to the right place. I just want to be normal too. You WILL come out of the black hole, but it takes time. I know you want it now, we all do. In the meantime, are you having counselling? Seeing a Dr? Speaking to friends or family about how you feel?

it's funny, but I don't remember ever being any different

I'm sorry you are lost, I know that terrible feeling of not being able to get back up and out of it....but it does pass...it really does

sometimes I can feel like that several times a day, up/down up/down

it amazes me how writing it out and thinking that at least one person understand, the darkness lifts just a little

are you still here?

I agree with hiareth. I don't remember being "normal" anymore. So much so that the idea of being "normal" scares me.

I'm torn between wanting to be numb and wanting to create a new me.

The most I can suggest is to write your feelings down. It's the only thing that makes me feel slightly better.

Everyone has given great advice on this post, not sure what I can add. I found this on page 5, so at least responding will put it back on page 1 so you can hopefully get more feedback. I would like to say though, keep reaching out for help, and you'll get it. If I can help, just let me know. Best wishes.

No...it hasnt gone too far :) Youre still thinking... when it goes too far.. people no longer think anymore. They have passed the talking stage and you havnt so thats great :) The "normal"that you are asking for is what we all want on here :)

Kabboo you said you want to be "normal". I think it's great that you know what you want. At least you have a goal to work toward. I have no idea what I want to be, I have no idea what normal is and if I want to be it. But, that's OK.

keep sharing about it, sometimes we can acutally talk our way out of the whole. Sorry your there, it is a lonely place to be, I've been there.

it took me the biggest part of my life but i beat it. oh, i have my bad days but i have the strength to beat it now. never give up

I am sorry you feel so isolated and alone. I have bouts of depression (well according to my therapist I'm depressed 90% of the time) I guess some days are better than others. Speaking from someone who has a brother who is bi-polar and have been where you are, you CAN turn this around and somewhere deep inside, you do want to feel better and take back your life or you wouldn't be here.

You need to reach out in your local community and find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. It took me awhile to weed through the therapists here, but I finally found one who is helping me through all the abuse I've had in my life. There is no magic pill. You want to live, you have to work to be happy. But it IS worth it. Life is precious and your's is no different.

i know how you feel..mine came back 2 weeks ago and its a bad one.....i have had it over the past 11 years,on and off........its seems whenever im happy it comes back to ruin averything.like you i want to be normal and have it never come back...and just be me who ever that is..its been so long i dont know me anymore.