I am so sorry you're feeling this way right now. You do know from your prior experiences what you must do to get well. You must take some action towards wellness not the darkness, you been there too long. It's the disease talking to you and you're giving it power. Take your power back and call the doctor, make an emergency appt or go to thehospital and please call a crisis hotline right now. there 's a link on the bottom of each page.

Please let me know you'll try and get yourself some help. Thanks

Bump!

i totally get the idea of wanting to disappear, to vanish in "PUFF!" of smoke and be done with the bullshit.
there are times when i feel so overwhelmed by the shit i imagine taking a knife and plunging it into my leg over and over.
right now - i'm in the middle of a major life crisis: May i got laid off from a well-paying job so now i'm working for half what i used to make, selling my house because i can't afford it, divorcing my wife because i'm having sexual identity issues, and losing my dog because he decided he liked my wife better.
so yeah - i get the idea of disappearing. or finding a way to hurt myself, as some kind of punishment for the mess i've made of all this.

but i don't. and i'm pretty sure i won't.
because i have a 14-year-old son who needs me, at least every other weekend. i have parents and a brother who need me. who care for me. who want me around.

there's no magic cure for what we have. no easy answer. it's a daily grind to stay ahead of the darkness, and sometimes you can feel like you're slugging uphill through knee-high mud.
but you have to go on.
now matter how hard it is.

i have this dream periodically where i'm trying to walk forward but it becomes so hard i can't. i can't move forward. finally, the only way i can move forward is to turn around and walk backwards.

start focusing on a simple pleasure - start focusing on your children (i believe you said you had kids, right?).
think of one thing about each one that makes you smile.
one smile for each child.
then start over.
another smile for each child.
bet you can easily get to 10 smiles per child.
now loop those moments - replay them over and over in your head.
lie back, close your eyes, and just let the smiles play out in your mind.

we're not helpless. we can do small things to fight back.
fight back.
you have reasons to.
so do it.

Fear is a horrible thing to deal with and can make life seem unlivable. I'm not sure what you fear in people or docs, but remember it is only an emotion. Nothing everything that we fear happens.

There are also hotlines and online counseling that might be helpful for you.

I'd never realized that someone with anorexia might be trying to disappear.

I agree with BigDummy if you have kids focus on them jus like he said. Even though my kids are 22, 21, and 18 I still focus on them to help pull me through.

My prayers are with you try to hang in there and talk to us.

Thank you all for taking the time to post.

My kids deserve better than me, I should'nt have had kids I certainly do not deserve them.

The main reason I want to get better, I just want the everyday little things to be easier for me , not necessarily be happy.

I just want to function, I just want to feel alive.

You've made a good start posting here. Keep reaching out and you'll be able to find the courage to reach out in bigger and bigger ways. Do it in baby steps.

Just wanting things to be easier is a good goal to work towards. You might find that you're happier too.

Also, remember that there is a difference between 'I can't' and 'I won't'. Once you can see that you'll find more strength for doing things that will help you.

Another reason I'm scared to go to the doctors.
I did go a few months back wanting to be put on meds a they do help me a little, but I am breastfeeding my little girl still( she just turned 1)and he recommended not to go on them.
So I don't know what to do, I want to continue feeding her because she only likes feeding this way, but I also want the meds.
And I don"t want them if they can harm her, because she is more important to me than anything. And I will feel so guilty that I am putting myself before her.

I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. I completely understand the wanting to disappear thing. Every night when I lay down to sleep I just keep hoping I won't wake up. I feel like it would make things easier. I wouldn't wish this up on anyone. Take pride in your children and if anything try to go to the doctor for them. If not for you then atleast for them.