I'm just never gonna get better. I've tried just about everything, I seem ok or even getting better, and BOOM something else happens, a new crisis in my life, and I start to slip. And when I do I slip fast. I just can't take it anymore. I try to fight it and in the end I'm so weak that I can't keep up. What is wrong with me? After months of no self-injury, I blew it. I caved big time. I should know better by now, but ya know what, it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better. It's like when I was purging every day, I felt so good afterwards, that release you get every time, just a little bit of the pain went away for those few moments. And almost nothing compares to that feeling for me, not meds, not going to therapy, not writing, nothing. Except my other self-harm of choice. I picked up a razor tonight. Just a little wound, but now I'm afraid I'll be hooked again, and I was doing so good too. If I could find some other way, a healthy way, to get that release from the pain and hurt and crap I'm feeling I'd take it.
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