Lately, it has been so overwhelming with this relentless depression. I wake up every day having such angry thoughts and strong urges to hurt myself,..not realistic urges,.. just like a mental warfare to relieve the pain. I also feel so damn lonely. It's like I am one plant or flower in a vast field and I look around and all the rest of the plants or flowers are in groups with their friends or family. But I am way off in the distance alone. It's weird because if you are truly suffering, you can be around 100 people and still feel so much alone. For instance, when I get up enough courage or strength to go to the store it can be such a surreal experience. I wander around in a daze feeling such intense sadness and pain while at the same time feeling and hearing other people laughing and chatting and having such an air of lightness. I get jealous, I admit. I long for their lives, friends, family, joy. Secretly I want to go home with them or somehow infuse myself into them. So strange. Why do I have to be so different? Why am I such a freak? Why can't I be happy and carefree like them? The sadness, silence and pain are consuming me entirely.
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