Maybe it's a sign of depression, but it feels more like an exhaustion to dealing with the human race. My unreliable friend that I was supposed to move in with cutting me out of her life had a lot to do with it, I think. I have two friends who I talk to, but one is best friends with a guy I had a sexual relationship with many years ago that ended as bad as I can imagine. She can't have us in the same vicinity because we'll have to bury his body somewhere on her property. Also, I get screwed by every craigslist contact about housing.
A guy I only went on one date with is texting me every day. "Hi, it's Jack. Are you ok?" He knows about my back issues, but I HATE TEXTING. And it's only been one date. Calm the f down texting all day every friggin day. I wish I could wring the neck of the inventor of texting. I think I'm being a little hard on him and trying to force distance. I just want to talk on actual dates. Texting distracts me from important things like writing, studying, filling out HUD housing applications, doctor appointments, physical therapy, a need for alone time. My phone is on silent all day long, and I only look at it sporadically.
My room felt like a sanctuary for a while, then like a tomb for a while. It's back to the sanctuary.
I know a lot of this is depression, but I feel like I'm making headway in my progress and these people are distracting me. I don't bother talking to my parents. I can't express any form of opinion on anything because my father is always right and I'm always wrong. Who knew I was a literal daughter of God? A God with serious anger management issues that rival the Old Testament God.
I don't want to be bothered at the same time that I do want to be bothered. I feel drained in general, but still, I'm more productive lately than ever. And the idea of seeing friends and dealing with all the crap I have to bring along to function (medicine, back brace, remote for the back simulator, ice packs) plus make small talk makes me want to stay home. I wasn't always like this. I used to enjoy socialization. Even when my father claimed I still spent too much time in my room when I worked full time and still saw friends, it was never enough. I just want him to f off. If it's never going to be good enough no matter what I do with my life from here forward, keep your shitty, incorrect opinion to yourself.
It doesn't help that I don't have a place to invite people to visit me. I have to visit them. I don't let people come here. I'm too embarrassed by my parents, the wreck they make out of this apartment, their behavior, their constant obsession with news and politics on the highest volume.
My dad wanted me to grow up and be just like him. Conservative, unwilling to challenge him on anything, accept his bad behavior. Instead, he got a liberal(ish) loudmouth who isn't afraid of him and doesn't think like him, who failed college a couple of times but ultimately got 2 degrees despite multiple tries. And that's with a debilitating mental illness threatening my life for over a decade. F you. I'm tougher than you will ever be. Your life is almost over. I'm only 33. I won't need you for long. You provide a roof and rides to treatments that require a driver. That's it. You are the squalid halfway house supervisor who thinks he's the badass in charge of everyone. F off.
I'm a failure to him. He's said as much. F him and his opinion. His bad choices that started when I was 12 started my family down this whole trainwreck. Never will you hear him take responsibility for anything he does. The one time he ever acknowledged being wrong, he retracted.
Just so so tired. And I want to be left alone.
I start volunteering with Habitat for Humanity end of February, so I'll get some social interaction again. I know logically I need some. I'm just not sure how much. How much is worth the drain? Does it invigorate or drain me? Sometimes it does both, but lately, it's a drain.
I have plans. I don't want distractions from them. Any. I've worked too hard to get this far, to accept that the man that is my father is a loser and a bully, that my mother is a child who can't tie her shoelaces together without help. I don't mean like people with intellectual disabilities. I mean that metaphorically.
So how do I find my limits on socializing?
i just don't see how any of this can ever get any better.It still all has me in its sharp talons of memory of trying to forget.How long do i have to sit and process?i don't want to "sit with the feelings".i have been trying to do that for years.i guess i am not working hard enough.i feel so desperate.
Hey everyone. I haven't been on here much lately since my father died and everything with the pandemic. I want to feel like I can contribute words that will give comfort to others but I just don't feel like I have any right now. But I got to get all this out. So this might be a long post. Thanks in advance if you read part or all of it.A friend of mine turned out not to be such a great friend...