I'm at my wits end tonight. I'm not gonna do anything bad, I promise. But I'm so upset I could cry. I almost NEVER cry. I want to say "I should never have moved in with this relative", but I had no choices, none. I knew it was bad news before I even set foot in. I can't take their bi polar mood swings or their drinking or their verbal abuse. Did you know someone can eviscerate you verbally, without raising their voice, only insinuating? They so can. And then when you call them out of course that's not what they said! Technically, no. But was it, yes. I was invited in here to heal, rest and get things together. Well, it's REALLY F'ING HARD TO DO THAT WHEN THEY KEEP SMASHING YOU DOWN!!! Good God! It's only been ONE month since I came here and I'm ready to run out into the street screaming. I mean WTF?! All I am to this person is a frickin' dollar figure. When they feel good they tell me how much they love me, when they swing down they tell me, down to the cent, how much money they "wasted" on me. You hear that enough times and you stop believing they love you. I'm trapped here. I have nowhere else to go. I have no money. I can't make them understand how much they are hurting me...and out of their own mouths "well, it's your own fault". Plus, they keep insulting my mother, their daughter, whom they disowned, to me. My insides tie into knots. I'm so angry, but I can't say anything at all. I can be disowned as well. Then where would I go? Nobody has room for me. I want to yell and scream and tell them how sick they are and I f'ing can't!! I want to tell them how evil it is to disown any family, especially your own flesh and blood. What? They didn't follow your straight and narrow path?? You're no saint yourself!! I know your secrets!! I know what you've done and you are WAY more f*^ked in the head than I will ever be!

I just want out of here so badly....(cry)