So that you understand alittle about me i am a mom of 3, wich 2 of my kids are disabled, i myself have learning problems, i have ben married for 8 years this Dec. and that has not really gone well for me since six months after we got married. and to top it all of i weight about 330 libs. so i have major health problems, i even have to get shots in my back every 2 weeks. and no im not fat cause im lazy or cause i eat all day, for one ever woman in my family on both sides is at lest 50 libs over weight. pluse i have the back problems ( not comletley do to my size i was born with some of it) and i have thyroid des. My husband is a lazy person who is 30 works fast food part time, has never steped up and ben a man for this family. iv always ben the one working, cleaning, doing for the kids, ect. his role is get up, get food,sit at computer get up to eat, rest room and go to bed 3am-6 am. its just so much for one person i have no help cause most of my family is dead, (long story so very said) i did however just finish 2 years of cosmothlogy school and do to my back i have found a nail tec job i just have not started yet. an belive me the money is very needed. i have not ben able to pay rent, cable, phone and iv sold off almost everything i have that is worth money just so i can LIVE. and what really sucks is i look at other people , like i went to kareoke and this lady sitting next to me is got to be in her late 30s just one my countys idol ( which i enter and did not make it past the semi-finals) work at a good job and she is telling me about the stuff she dose with her kids and how smart her 6 year old is. and its like damn my kids dont even have bikes, we have never ben able to go on any trip or do anything. i feel like such a LOSER, FALIUER, WHAT AM I HEAR FOR. the fact i cant give my kids what they NEED and want that tottaly KILLS me inside. and for me those kids have saved my life, if it was not for them i would have took my own life along time ago. So for them to have givin me back my life and i cant even give them a desent one it just really KILLS ME. I REALLY DO LIVE FOR THEM. and GOD. and for me if something was to happen that it killed all man kind other than being upset and scared for my kids i would not really care about dieing the only reason i want to be here is for them. if i died i would be just fine with it (OTHER THAN I NEED TO AND GOT TO BE HERE FOR MY KIDS) i belive very strongly in GOD and i know if i died i would go to be with him so i am not worried with that but i am just so tired of fighting and feeling like crap every day. Life should not be this hard. also like i said i tryed out for the county idol, and another countys idol and did not make it to the finals and that also killed me. with every thing ive had happen to me and ben threw music (singing) has ben the one thing i have always felt i was good at, and loved to do. and now to hear from others that NO IM NOT THAT GOOD kills me cause now i have nothing im good at, nothing that makes me specail, important, somebody. Music is 100% IN ME im made of it. i am just fighting with so much right now i really needed that to get me threw and i really dont have it right now. i just do feel like i can realy keep doing this, this thing called life.
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