today has been bad for me. my daughter has been off the deep end this week, more than usual. she was so bad all week that she could not even come to my house for thanksgiving. i spent all afternoon on the sofa crying. i feel she is going to die soon. i just have this feeling that she has abused her body to the point it is about to give out on her. she does all sorts of drugs but the one that has done her in is the crack cocaine. this is when she signed her death warrant. she will not allow any of her family and friends to help her get off drugs. she is so violent i am afraid to be in her presense. i feel so helpless. i try to help her and all i get in return is abused. she is just a remnant of the daughter i once had . i will never stop loving her. i know there is nothing i can do. the things she will do to get this crack are so bad, i can't even stand to write them in this journal. it is just a matter of time. i know when i get the call that she is gone, it will take me out of this world. i don't think i can stand the pain. i lost my sister ) who is the same age as my daughter, she took her own life. i have never got over her death and this will surely be the end of me. i feel so weak at this moment. i am in much need of prayer. most of all my baby is in need of prayers. she will always be my baby even though she is an adult. i really don't feel i can take what i know is coming. oh God help me.
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