i have achieved horrible behaviors in my past, particularly one behavior that has been haunting me for about 5 years now. i did some bad things to my a member in my family. she opened up her home to me and trusted me with her family and i did not appreciate it nor show enough gratitude through my actions towards her. there were a couple of bad character things i did and a couple of things she blamed me for that i did not do but then there was this one really big thing that is what is really bothering that i never thought she or anyone knew about. i have always held this guilt inside and i have even tried to justify it at times just to ease the guilt but for what i did there is no justification and it just proves that i'm a horrible person in my heart. anyway, i recently saw her and i can not get the idea out of my mind that she knows what i did and not only that but that so does everyone else but they have said nothing to me about them knowing. she doesn't act like she hates me but its just a weird chemistry between us now. i kinda feel like she doesnt know because she is just nice enough to me and that doesn't make any sense but at the same time it was 5 years ago and we haven't spoken or seen each other since when she kicked me out for what i thought was other reasons at the time and then i was 16 so maybe its possible she considered that and has forgiven me. i just don't know how i can overcome this very guilty conscious i have over this horrific incident. i'm trying to learn how to like myself more but i can't when these memories constantly remind me of how selfish and cruel i am.
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Feeling pretty bad today. I'm exhausted in every way. Tired of living this life where nothing changes or gets better despite how much I try. Had a bad life all my life and I'm just tired of being here.