I have suffered with depression since my teens (now 36)and for the last 2 years, feel like I've gone rapidly down hill emotionally. I got married in 2005 which was great but my mum was taken seriously ill 4 days after we came back from honeymoon and nearly died. She nearly died 3 times in less than a year and because I couldn't leave her bedside, I lost thousands of pounds, as I was supposed to be temping to pay our wedding bills off before I went back to running a theatre company. Fortunately my mum didn't die in spite of catching C.Diff in the hospital, which is apparently more lethal than MRSA but this put me in quite a bad way emotionally mainly because I lost my dad when I had just turned 21 and have lived in fear of losing my mum since then (even though I should be old enough to deal with this now). Because of losing so much money, I nearly went bankrupt and my mum had to bail me and my husband out using her savings, because otherwise we would have lost our home plus because my husband was trying to cover all my outgoings that I couldn't pay for, some months we couldn't even buy food to eat. Because of the financial mess we were in, I decided to stop being an actress for a couple of years because of the financial insecurities of this career and got a permanent job as a legal secretary so that we could budget properly and try and get back on track financially. Unfortunately, the first job I got (in August 2006) was a complete nightmare and I ended up leaving because of being bullied very badly by the office manager and one of the other secretaries. I also had a minor breakdown because of what was going on in this job and that's when my GP referred me to see a psychiatrist, who then put me on CBT with a different therapist. IN the meantime, I got another job which I thought was going to be a lot better because the people seemed really nice. Then I had to tell the office manager that I had to have some time off every week for a hospital appointment (this was my CBT appointment) but she insisted on seeing the letter as proof that I was actually going to the hospital. As soon as she found out I had depression and was being treated in a psychiatric unit, she completely changed and although she is very devious at not letting other people hear things she says to me (she brings me in her office so no one else can hear) she has made my life very difficult there as well. I work for 2 solicitors and 1 thinks I'm a very good secretary - I know because I've asked him and he is aware of my depression and has not treated me any differently but the other solicitor has been a nightmare from about 3 weeks into me starting work. She initially told everyone what a good secretary I am but then completely went the other way after I forgot to write an appointment in her diary. I have come to the conclusion that this is her problem not mine, but it is very difficult to stay convinced of this when my brain keeps telling me that it must be my fault and that I am rubbish and useless and all the other things she has either said or intimated. To cut a long story short (and thanks for staying with this so far!), I tried to take an overdose 3 weeks ago but my husband found me and stopped me taking all the tablets. Since then things have got worse at work as I feel totally unable to maintain a professional attitude and keep breaking down. I made an emergency appointment to see my GP who said that I was having a breakdown and wanted to sign me off work but I said no, because this firm won't pay if you are off sick and the whole point of me having a permanent job was to be financially secure so I couldn't afford to take time out. He put me on Diazepam to try and help get through the day and this did help. I finally handed my notice in last Thursday (a week ago today) because all I could think about was getting out of that place even though I know we are going to be in a financial nightmare again. I went back to see my GP on tuesday because I passed out at work on Monday and was taken to hospital and they said I had come off the Citalopram too quickly and was taking too big a dose of Lofepramine too quickly so have sorted that out thank god. GP wanted to sign me off work for a month. I explained I had handed my notice in and needed to work the last few weeks because of finances and the GP agreed to sign me off after I finish on 31 August so I can claim benefits (which I don't really want to do, because I feel this is admitting failure that I can't hold a job down)while I try and get my head sorted out enough to try and get back to some sort of a "normal" life, whatever that is. Anyway, having rambled on enough, I really need to find some friendly support and advice to help me get through this horrible time so please help me if you feel you can. Thanks for listening.
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