I'm new here and I just created my account on Daily Strength...I'm usually very positive and joyful person. I'm usually the one that tries to help everybody...I'm very, very sad to say at least...I have suicidal thoughts right now...Why? Let me list some of my problems in a chronological order:

- I immigrated to USA 5 years ago because I met a man who's now my husband

- we are very unusual couple for different reasons but the one that people notice right away is the age difference...he's 30 years older than me...I guess there are a lot of people that judge me because of that and think that I married him because of money or something...It's not true...He's not rich and I knew that when I met him...I saw the goodness in him and things we had in common.

- my husband is an alcoholic..He was attending some counseling meetings and it helped some but recently he's been drinking more because of different reasons

I feel that I'm not allowed to show any negative feelings (sadness, frustration, anger, depression because last time when I felt depressed and just lied down in bed for a while, he took a car and bought a few packages of beer and drank it in a few hours

- we never got a second car (can't afford it now) and I can't go anywhere here without a car and can't have a job

- I tried to find a new carrier and path in my life because it didn't seem I could continue what I did before (I was an English teacher and have a BA in English - pretty useless here especially that I can't commute anyway) I've been studying web design, flash design and graphic design for a few years now and made a few free websites to build up my portfolio...I was very happy and joyful about my new creative path and I felt that it was true passion. I could sit and create for hours and wouldn't even notice that I didn't eat anything...I loved it so much...I had a few clients that I was practically giving my work for free and only wanting to be able to add my work to my portfolio. I guess I made a mistake because this free work completely burned me out. I guess my expectations didn't meet the reality because I thought that people at least would be nice and polite to me when they were getting stuff for free. I spent a lot of time working not for money, but to be able to build up my portfolio and many times my clients made such decisions about the designs that I'd be embarrassed to include that work in my portfolio...It was a very frustrating and painful process that took a lot of learning and work and in the end I ended up with nothing...It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, how much work and effort I put into something it doesn't make a difference. My husband keeps telling me I gave up and I'm not doing anything and that's arrogant of me...I've been trying recently to gather some energy back so I could have the strength to figure things out on my own...My husband is happy when I'm happy and joyful, but when I have a bad day he says that I'm unhappy in my life...I don't know anymore if I'm unhappy on my own or because I hear that from him all the time at bad times...

- I had 2 epileptic seizures years ago in my country and got really scared by doctors about driving a car (they said if I killed anybody I'd go to jail...) I was taking medicine for a few years and never had any seizures...I stopped taking medicine here in the US after consulting a doctor here and I'm fine...I drive here occasionally when I can (because there's only one car) ...I had a panic attack while driving by myself (I think - because it felt as if I couldn't catch my breath and had to pinch myself because it felt as if I was about to faint or something...) I'm not a bad driver, it just happens that I feel that fear about driving....Driving is such a big part of life here in the US that it's a big problem for me...I always try to confront my fears and if I'm afraid of driving I think that I should drive a lot

- I feel VERY isolated in life. I have no friends here, sit at home and try to figure out what I can do in my life and scared that it's getting too late...I'm 31 now but it doesn't seem that I'm getting any more ideas about what to do in life...I'm starting to be a loner and that's not in my nature really...My husband has no friends and his family is very dysfunctional. We have no contact with them. I only call my family, but it's not the same as having friends and family around and be able to see them. I haven't visited my country for almost 3 years (in May it's going to be 3 years). I love the States and really try to fit in and experience the culture, but for some reasons I'm not doing that enough it seems...

- We have no kids but I have the dog that I love with all my heart and she's my only friend and companion here. She's very smart and loving...I'm afraid I can loose her...I raised her since she was a few weeks old and taught her everything. I don't know what I'd do...My husband told me today he can't stand to be with me anymore and I can't even take care of myself and I'm completely dependent on my husband...I'm devastated...


I'm probably not making a lot of sense here...sorry for not being too clear...I have no one else to talk to and probably couldn't say that anyway because it's so embarrassing ...

Thank you for reading this anyway...