Well there looked like there might be hope for the resurrection of a relationship that meant more to me than life. That hope is now gone. Hence any reason to keep going. I mean, if a woman like that came along only once in 38 years, what point is there in spending another 38 like this? I mean, it would be nice to believe someone else like her could come along, but it seems I have a better chance of winning the powerball without a ticket! And frankly you could HAVE the stinking powerball! I just want the girl! Seriously! So with all this, what is to live for? And I mean it. What is there? I am not saying I am going to do anything at this point but I cannot stay like this either. 38 years I could have lived without for all the good they did me. They were supposed to be the BEST years!!!! I cannot even IMAGINE the rest. On my birthday I was supposed to be with the woman of my dreams! Some birthday it will be now. I do not even want to see it! I do not want to see many things! Not while I am so completely and utterly alone in this world. You would think I could be happy today, I got a job as a vacuum cleaner salesman which is like a dream job in a way, certainly compared to some other jobs I have held. I actually was able to get in a home to do a demo after only three days! Should be extatic but I am not. I do not have her. I do not have anyone. I know people, in fact MOST PEOPLE!!! have someone special with them, they are happier than I have ever been, and the more I think about this the more I cannot comprehend a point. I mean, to find the value of something we add up the positives and the negatives and come up with a number. How the heck can this life therefore be worth it? Seriously? I am sorry I am ranting tonight but I just do not know what to do with this. I cannot afford counseling. I acnnot afford much of anything. and with my baggage no one will ever want me. This girl did, even with all that. But she had trust issues also, and she decided that when I had a friend of muine that I thought she would recognize to tell her I got the job and had to work the day I was hired and that I would call her the next day, that he was not really who he said he was, so i was playing her like a fool because I was lying to her, and to never call her again. I have been nauseous the last three days. I cannot seem to eat properly and I keep crashing. I cannot handle this much more. I really cannot.
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