I'm not even sure why I'm here other than the fact I have nothing else to do. I think I've been depressed all my life, for as long as I can remember...I don't know any other way. I've been alone since I came out of the womb. My parents should never have had children...it was clear they didn't want them. I was left to my own devices and have been alone ever since. So now here I sit, 35 years old, never had a boyfriend, never had a man look once at me much less twice, too tall, too fat, too ugly, with no family, friends, no hobbies, no ambitions, no purpose, nothing to define me as a person whatsoever. I'm no one. I'm blank. All I want, all I ever wanted, was just to be held by someone who actually cared about me. But I know I'll die as alone as I came into the world. So what's the point? I don't know anymore. I wish I don't wake up in the morning. I'm tired. I have nothing left to hope for. I don't expect I'll commit suicide though I think about it sometimes. But I don't want to live anymore like this either...it's like torture. I've been crying since I woke up today.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??