I started out as a vibrant 21 year old with aspirations and many goals to achieve. After a very daring relationship in 2010 I went through this process of trying to find inner peace and sanity. Asking for forgiveness of mistreating one of God's children .. With patience plus perserverance I overcame that milestone. Towards the middle of May or it could've been July 2011, I chose to apply to a different college felt as if I was ready to branch out. Needless to type, I was accepted and started in the Fall. Things were a little hectic with this being a university, but after the semester I said that I will do better still aside from the premonition as to how my semester would end. After December second semester was into full swing, I then became close to a guy who I conversed with since November of the previous semester any who the guy became a priority that's how much I conformed to another's lifestyle. Summer was fastly approaching grades were in and while everything for him flourished everything for me was shot to hell and back. I was academically suspended yet I wanted to be with this guy even after all had transpired. School started in August for the guy who's now my boyfriend, he tells me about school and I put on a front. I make up lies just to make myself feel better and to let him know she's living her life. I read that if you tell yourself your great or happy then you're ailing out your brain to believe that you are when in actuality your not. It's a constant struggle for me everyday, my internal battles reflect the outskirts of me. I'm not happy and Yes I believe in God and the miracles he performs nonstop I'm having a really difficult time getting up from this fall. One day I'm good the next I'm not and it's not healthy. My boyfriend is doing things a typical college student would while I'm in a world of my own where the returning point is no longer in view. I avoid or try to avoid people even conversations about school. Kid you not I could've attend a local college however that wasn't in my heart. I'm upset at myself for making an guy a priority and allowed my shxt to go now I sit around with nothing to do so, I sleep unconditionally. Side comments I hear being discussed about me doesn't help neither. I said that I wouldn't want to isolate myself but at this point I'm looking at steering in that direction. I'm giving in too much, I've been thinking about reaching out to my pastor and communicate with him whenever I have the idea to act out on that manner something always tell me "you know what you have to do, don't call your pastor and I don't". I'm reading books hoping to find that peace I once had. Nothing is compensating for the way I feel. I'm not the first to experience trying times in life but this here is truly out of the norm for me. Not knowing what's next I then start to question why am I in a relationship? He way be who I don't want to be be without but knowing that we won't see one another makes it hard. I'm sick and tired of my not so good days I flip flop with emotions constantly. I believe that something is in store I become doubtful because I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and so this has to work I don't want my praying to be in vein. A response would be fine, if I has it all together I wouldn't be on Daily Strength depression discussion. Please to respond if you don't hey at least you read it all.
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