what a bum day.... got off work at 11:30 last night, came home aroudn midnight, took a shower, was gonna leave at two to drive a buddy to madison for work... didn't end up leaving till around three, he found a ball he forgot about (who forgets about that??), so we were doin shit, drank a couple bottles of wine before we left. laughed that we felt like rich people. he cooked me dinner before we started doin shit. salmon, cocaine and wine. haha, yeah. high class... had to drive to antioch to pick up the money he was gonna give me for the ride, the chick didn't have it all, ended up w/ a tank of gas, got into madison around 5 am, slept in my car w/ my boy for a couple hours, i drive an aveo. not a good car to sleep in. thank god i had blankets left in there from when i went up north. was still cold as hell, tryin to pile our blankets between the two seats for padding, trying to cuddle up for warmth. got home around ten and slept till four. woke up, ate a bowl of soup, went to cash my check and picked up a bottle. i walked in with it, got a look of disgust and disappointement fm my mom. i was doing good with the drinking and everything for a good week. out of seven days, i only drank four. thats good for me. i'm feeling the disgust right now toward myself. dissapointed in myself, but shit... thats life, right?? got home, the christmas lights were on. made me think of being young, how much christmas meant. how it felt to look at the lights and the tree. grabbing our sleds and making little jumps on the dinky ass hill on the side of the house but we were so little, everything was so much bigger, so much greater than we were. this year, half the lights are burned out. it fits, somehow. got in a fight w/ my p's about my brother. how i'm sick of him threatening me. i'm sick of being afraid to be home with him alone. sick of locking me and my dog in the bathroom with one of his guns while he's finding another, sick of calling every guy in my phone who isn't working during the day to come get things under control instead of calling the cops and starting that shit with him all over. but they don't listen. thats their son. they're trying to take care of things, but nothing is helping him lately. waiting for rudy's boy to drop off the rest of the money he owes me. i need that. god.... things are just so crazy. so out of fucking control.

i'm looking at how things are right now with everything. never thought that this is how i'd-how we'd all-end up. want to go back to being little and sledding down the hill on the side of the house. thinking we were going so fast. snow forts on the side of the porch and laying there in our snowpants and boots, looking at the lights dazzling in our eyes and laughing over nothing. playing pretend and going in at dinner time to a warm meal and hot bath. footie pajamas and bednight stories. parents who loved us and being cuddled up next to each other cause that was my brother and that was my buddy.

god, the holidays suck sometimes.