i feel so numb and blank today -- i feel like i have no emotions at all today -- people tell me that what happened to my mom and now me isnt my fault but i dont believe them -- on moms side i prayed that she would die cuz i could watch her anymore ( i wished this day after day for several months) and i was angry with her that she was making me stay home with her when all i wanted to do was be anywhere but home. I yelled at her when i should have been consoling and being there for her while she was dying. I was in the house but i wasnt "there" like i should have been. And i hate myself for that. i ran when from everything back then i didnt want to deal with it and when mom needed me the most i wasnt there -- when she was calling out to me to "make them stop" hurting her, i fled i didnt go to her cuz i couldnt listen to the pain and agony in her voice (i still hear those few words most nites, i cant forget them). On my side im still running, i pushed everything away from me for soo long. i cant stop feeling guilty over what i did (whether people say its my fault or not i know it is). I can't stop the crying and when i am in a place where i cant cry without causing "havoc" i hold it in and it hurts. sometimes it hurts so bad and no ones around to talk to -- i feel the wmotions build up i my hert and in my chest and i basically explode.
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