Im 17 and I have dealt with depression for about 4 years now. Once I Overdosed and went to the hospital. I used to feel so numb that I had to slide a razor across my skin to feel anything other than nothing.I have such horrible self-esteem. I cant even look myself in the mirror because I am hideous to myself. I pray everyday that i could just wake up someone else.I hate who I am, how I look, and their is nothing i can do to change who i am.I really dont have much faith because I just feel like god must be punishing me for something and that he hates me.I'm also black and dress in what my peers would call "goth" style so you can see how that goes over with the thugs and other kids in my school. Everyone always puts me down for being who I am. But now I hate who i am also. I just feel like I wasn't meant for this world. And I often think that death, has to be so much better. Just anything other than my painful existence. People always tell me about how things will get better but I have learned that life is not a fairy tale. Everyone doesn't have a put of gold at the end of the rainbow.And why would I be any different?People die everyday without knowing happiness or love and where was their fairy tale ending? Life is a battle and something that you fight for and cherish. But everyday i wake up, i feel like im prolonging my pain. I'm so tired of crying, tired of hating myself,tired of cutting, tired of feeling in general. My heart even seems to pump in despair.Sometimes I pray that when I lay my head on my pillow, that I dont wake up the next morning. I wasn't meant for this world. I dont know what to do.
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