Think I had a revelation tonight in bed waiting for sleep to come: I'll never be "happy", at least not as a general state of being. There will be happiness, but the underlying constant will always be a certain sadness and pain just because that's the way I am, that's the way I think, because there are just so many things I can't deal with and so either run away from or they tear me apart. Meds will (I hope) keep me from the depths I've fallen into some many times in the past, but I'll still look around hopelessly and feel inadequate and fearful and realize the best I'll ever know is a few moments of happiness and joy once in a while. Guess really, that's not too bad.
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