I think a lightbulb went off in my brain lastnight- i stayed up all night thinking about this - and i've got to put Matt in the back of my mind and slowly let him fade away ( this is a lot easier said than done) because i do love him..... but knowing he will never love me- i have to let this dream go- because if i don't i will be doomed to sabotage all of my future relationships...... now that i'm on that subject- mentally and physically - i'm just not ready to enter into any kind of commitment , other than friendship- friends are great and i'd like to take this time to really get to know my friends and just leave the dating scene behind for the moment - i am very confused and need to figure out who / what i want out of life before i make this big leap with my heart again.... my body- that is another matter- the celibacy thing is still going pretty good- been like 2-3 weeks now i think and i'm doing ok.. won't lie- i think about sex- a lot.... but there is so much more to life.... my relationship with god is strained right now- i feel i have not been praying as much as i should and i need to start talking to him more and deff listening a lot better.... cause i know he is speaking to me and i'm just not listening- so i am going to try hard to not tune him out anymore... this state and the job market are really pissing me off right now ! so i'm going to start looking for temp agencies and i've decided that i am gonna plan on working- saving up and getting the heck out of this place! i need to be somewhere that i can be happy. the weight loss is getting back on track today- i actually had a healthy breakfast and i'm drinking lots of water- i'm getting my a** back in gear- lol ! now trying to take it one thing and one day at a time is going to be the real challenge- i try to take it present and future- and i know i can't predict my future so i should just control my present-i have to keep telling myself this.... i can say the one thing i really look forward to is waking up everyday and knowing i'm going to get to talk to my best friend either on the phone or on here ! i only regret that we don't live closer- i love u so much girlie and i hope u know it ! i couldn't have made it this far without my ds family and friends and i want u all to know - i value each and everyone one of u ! this was all my thoughts that have been swirling around in my head all night .....
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