sometimes i find it intensely sad that i don\'t think i will ever get over the past enough to have anything to do with a man sexually or emotionally ever again. I mean since i\'ve been in recovery for one reaon or another i pick these emotionally unavailable men,than have a mean streak. My therapist says that i pick men that remind me of my abuser on some unconcious level, or something self destructive like that, and it\'s true, everytime i start messing around with a guy it ends badly. I am at a point now where i feel ugly and old and unlovable, and the thing is i know better than to take in the hateful things that i\'ve been told in a fight. Now the thing is, sure i like these tough mean guys or whatever, but it\'s not their fault things go badly, i feel it is mostly my fault--now wait, let me explain. i have this nasty habit of comparing every guy to my abuser, and i have flashes sometimes, you know like if someone comes at me to fast, or from behind, or i have words that trigger me as well...now i know most guys won\'t use all that against you, but the last lengthy relationship i had was with a guy that was evil, he got me to relapse and kept me high on meth for a long time, trying tp make me insecure and isloated from anyone i knew, and he would say things and come at me like he was going to hurt me because he thought it was funny to see me flash. that relationship has been over for a year or so, and i\'ve had a couple of one night stands were guys were a bit abusive, and i hated myself after, so today i cringe if a guy says anything to me, cause i dunno why it is this way, but i seem to attract the kinda guys that claim to be straight and really aren\'t that tend to hate themselves for it, and take it out on the person they are close with. so what do i do? i even shaved my head in an attempt not to look attractive. It is so bad now that it even inhibits me from just talking to anyone, i constanlty second guess myself or feel that i am a freak, and i know it is just shit that fucked up guys have put in my head, so i am consumed and cripled and there seems to be no way out, it has been so long since i\'ve had a real relationship i cannot even describe one anymore. and throw some transgender issues in and you\'ve got yourself a fucked up piece of pie. I was on hormones for a while but because i have hep c i had to stop them, which messes with your head space. I suppse i was so desprate to be loved that i was willing to become an entirely different person for it, how pathertic is that? no, i know that i shouldn\'t say things like that about myself, but i really don\'t see a way out of all the layers of harm , like peeling an onion, only from the inside. and noone deserves having to overcome my demons just to get to know me better, so i don\'t even try anymore.
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