Firstly your not pathetic. Secondly its not too late to change your life around for you and your daughter.

SunWas, I can see from what you have given your daughter is priceless and beyond anything that success brings. You give her love. That is exactly what she needs. Well done you. x

It feels like it is too late. My daughter is 15, and I see the clock running so fast. I have struggled a long time, always thinking I was at the bottom. Who knew it could get worse. Right now, I am just feeling more hopeless than ever. I just can't seem to sling my leg over the saddle and get going. My dysthymia slipped into full blown clinical depression a few months ago, and I can't escape. I have no insurance, and so don't have the means to seek help. I have been self medicating with SAM-e...but it isn't doing what it was at first....And MAN...it sure is dark in here...I just feel so close to giving up...I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

You say you live with your parents and your daughter. If you talk to them and explain what is wrong perhaps as a family you can pull together and find the right path for you.
Its not too late it aint over till the fat lady sings.

*gives hug* no-one is a filure who has accomplished anything, and your daughter is evidence you have acomplished something! You brought a new life into this world!!! Success isn't all about the top job, it has many faces, each person has to find their own definition of success.
If you need to talk let me know
xxx

Sadly, I have been talking to my parents, but they aren't in much better shape than I am. They both have depressive issues of their own--undiagnosed. Everyone here is in a sad little bubble state. It is so unhealthy, yet, I can't get out...Crap credit, debt, no income...Hardly any will to survive. My folks currently just don't have the kind of direction or focus to be able to help themselves get on the right track, let alone me. They didn't guide me in my youth, and aren't in any better position to now. I love them dearly, and I am grateful to have a roof over my head. Still, we are all a mixed up lot. I feel like I am arguing for my limitations, and I suppose I am. Except, I desperately want to make things better. It just seems I was in a better position, in my dysthymic state, to make something change, and instead I fell down a few notches to full blown depression, and now things are even harder. I hate the darkness and emptiness. There is no joy in this place. Nothing but despair here.

You are not pathetic. What is pathetic is your way of thinking. You act like 39 is 99. Not being mean but 40 is th enew twenty. I started school "late" in life. I felt like the old lady in a class full of 18,19and twenty year olds. But there was a lady in my class that was 45. She worked two night jobs and went to school in the afternoons and maintained a 4.0 average. So don't thin jsut becasue you aren't the youngest in the world that you can't do something that you want to do. I was at a local college campus just recently and saw a student there that was easily in his sixties. He had a backpck and school books. As far as your daughter I say use her as your motivation fo rdoing something with your life. LIving with your parents is not a bad thing I stay with my parent. I love it. I'm bill free and i don't have to cook. Also a motto i try to live by is if something in my life is making me unhappy then i change it. Have you ever heard of the serentity prayer? If so then you know what i'm talkng about. The fact that your daughter loves you ought to tel you that you can't be as pathetic as you thinnk you are i happen to think that kids are a good judge of character. Sorrry its so long but i really hate to see people be so down on their selves.

time to start looking for help, darlin...having no job or insurance probably puts u in a BETTER position to qualify for tonza programs and treatment.
as parents, u know we really don't have the luxury of giving in to depression. we just DON'T.
u have a computer, so start hunting down what's available in your state.

as for your daughter..keep in mind that when looking back..people never remember what was bought for them as children...but the love they received.
good luck xoxoxo Di

I feel like I need the kind of miracle where someone comes into my world, scoops me right out of the muck, finds the unnurtured abilities that lie inside of me, tells me I AM worthy, and puts me on track to the way out of Dodge. But then again, besides the fact that the odds of this happening are less than slim, that is depending on someone else to make my life better. I know I need to do the bettering, but I feel I have never managed to find those tools in my toolbox in the past. How will I find them now, when things seem ever bleaker? I just want to climb right out of my skin. I understand, now, that painting by Edvard Munch, The Scream....I understand it intimately...That is me...I looked like that yesterday...existential anxiety and despair....It is so ugly....

Thank you for the supportive butt whoopings...My daughter is definitely the inspiration that keeps me functioning at all right now. Some days I have to fake it through, so she doesn't worry too much, and so that she can just go and be 15. I have to go wake her now, so she can get ready for school...I just want to give her so much more...not even just in the material sense, but in life experiences...Our home is not fit to have anyone in it...My mother cries at the suggestion of having any of my daughter's friends over (we have mildew/mold growing in the walls, holes rotting out the bathroom floor--basically it is broken down and rather unpleasant...)so she has never had a friend over...I want to change that, but gathering the will to make those changes is very hard...especially when you are arguing against a greater tide of depression--my parents...I have asked, for years, if we could have a cooperative means of keeping up with things in the house--just basic order and cleanliness...They get angry with me when I ask...It is pretty crazy...

You can give your daughter what she needs most in this life.LOVE. This is what makes them thrive hon. It isnt money or trips it is the love and respect we have to give them. These things are free. Tell her she is brilliant and tell her she is loved and that she will make a difference in this lifetime. Learn from the paths you did not travel and point her down the path in which you did not take. I had so many opportunities to do so much with my life and I did nothing. However, I take these life lessons and teach my children. In 2 years my two oldest will be electricians. My youngest daughter is presently Miss Distinguished Delaware. She goes to nursing homes and she raised over 800 dollars on her own for the make a wish foundation. These are my successes in life as well. Dont beat yourself up..make the difference now. Guide her and just love her.

pixie...inspiration u are. :)

Thank you, Pixie, for your words of wisdom cut right to the heart of the matter. I love my daughter with all my heart and, though my life didn't go according to my happiest little fantasies, I can certainly offer up the wisdom gained by my missteps to help keep my daughter on a positive track...Her successes--her happiness and the gift she brings to the world-- will be the greatest joy in my life...

I'm sorry things look so bleak right now. Here's my advice. I hope it helps.
1. Get in touch with your local family services organization for health care. Especially since you don't have an income, you and your daughter should qualify for visits with a social worker/therapsit.
2. Use bleach to get rid of the mold. Mold and mildew will make you more depressed and they can harm your immune system.
3 Drink plenty of water to keep your energy level optimal.
4. Check with your state employment office for skills training programs.
5. Look for a Meyers-Briggs or some personality evaluation test (I'm pretty sure you can find one on-line) to help you sort out where your strengths lie.
6. Tape pictures of what success looks like to you on your mirror (or on the walls of your bedroom if that's not an option).
7. Laugh as soon as you wake up.
8. Practice smiling. Smile as often as you can remember to do it.
9. Get plenty of rest and try to sleep at the same time every night.
10. Get a library card to check out books, find out what groups or activities are going on in your community and perhaps even volunteer there or somewhere else.
Good luck.
You've done something that your folks didn't do; you've admitted you are depressed and you want to get well. That alone makes your daughter's experience with depression entirely different.