I know it's my own fault that I am constantly lonely. I should try harder to not alienate myself, but sometimes it's just easier being alone, than it is to be around people constantly. It saves me from having to explain why little insignificant things bother me. It saves me from hurting others when I feel down. It saves me from the feelings of distrust that eventually come. It saves me from flashbacks. The one thing it doesn't save me from is myself. Having really only my roommate to deal with on the daily, her being the only person who honestly knows everything there is to know about me. It's easier that at least one person I know, actually knows me. But it always gets complicated if anyone else that I know, learns everything there is to know about me. Which is why being alone makes life easier at times. At the same time I wish I wasn't so alone. I wish I didn't feel defective, like some broken toy that no one wants to play with. I wish that finding companionship was as easy as breathing. That despite being broken someone would find something in me worth loving, and caring about. I don't know that I am always so depressed, I do have my bright shiny moments when I am okay, when I feel worthy of companionship. When I feel that I am worthy to be loved. I guess I don't always dislike myself as much as I think I do. And I don't always dislike men as much as I try to proclaim that I do. I know that I am young, but still it feels as though I am running out of time, that if I end up alone the rest of my life then it's all just a waste.
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