I know it's my own fault that I am constantly lonely. I should try harder to not alienate myself, but sometimes it's just easier being alone, than it is to be around people constantly. It saves me from having to explain why little insignificant things bother me. It saves me from hurting others when I feel down. It saves me from the feelings of distrust that eventually come. It saves me from flashbacks. The one thing it doesn't save me from is myself. Having really only my roommate to deal with on the daily, her being the only person who honestly knows everything there is to know about me. It's easier that at least one person I know, actually knows me. But it always gets complicated if anyone else that I know, learns everything there is to know about me. Which is why being alone makes life easier at times. At the same time I wish I wasn't so alone. I wish I didn't feel defective, like some broken toy that no one wants to play with. I wish that finding companionship was as easy as breathing. That despite being broken someone would find something in me worth loving, and caring about. I don't know that I am always so depressed, I do have my bright shiny moments when I am okay, when I feel worthy of companionship. When I feel that I am worthy to be loved. I guess I don't always dislike myself as much as I think I do. And I don't always dislike men as much as I try to proclaim that I do. I know that I am young, but still it feels as though I am running out of time, that if I end up alone the rest of my life then it's all just a waste.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
I have my maxed amount of epidural shots of my cervical DDD....(and no one cares about my lumbar DDD)..... I've done physical therapy, muscle relaxers, Amitriptyline, Nortryptiline, desipramine.....narcotics... So I decided to go to a spine specialist and they have me on Gabapentin. Its been two weeks and it did nothing for my lumbar ever... but it did seem to help my cervical and arm/hand pain...