I feel horrible today and I'm not sure why. I feel lonely and I want to shut the world out. My sone invited me to his place for dinner he did all the cooking. He's a great cook. There only think I thought about the entire time I was there was the fact I didn't want to be there I wanted to be home. I feel angry and again I don't understand why. I want to eat until the empty pit wihtin is full. My weight is at an all time high I am constantly eating and thinking about food. It really sickens me that I allow food to have such control over me, yet I do nothing to change it. The homily at church today hit real close to home. I hate the fact that I want to cry and I don't know why. I try to be positive but there are days when it seems too hard to be positive. Damn I wish I knew where all this anger is coming from. I want to scream until I have no voice left, but I know I won't. I am so sick of being alone and telling myself I'm OK with it. I'm tired of hiding behind my fat. No offence men, but most men don't look at me because of my weight and the fact that I with draw. I want to have someone to hold and have them hold me. I want someone to talk to, watch TV with and just be quite with. I'm afraid, of what who knows. I'm trying to convince myself not to eat. I guess I'm just not liking myself today.
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