it seems to me that this week is my worse week yet. i had a crisis last weekend, but managed to cope on my own. my daughter turned 21 on monday and she is in the usa and i am here in the uk. then i had the anniversary on feb 20th of my cousin dying, and my friend killing himself. then yesterday i had a funeral to go to.an old friend of mine at the funeral. she is my parents age. she said to ask god to help me. i used to go to church alot. he said god will help me with my hubby situation. then i find out that my husband lied to me when we met online. he said his wife had cheated on him. and i was talking to my step daughter. and she said that sue her mum had asked andy for a divorce along time before she was caught bringing a man home to the house whilst andy was at work, gary works with them too but came home early sick and found his mum with a younger man. andy told me that was the reason they split up but it wasnt. it had started alot soonesr than that. so more lies. but i wont say anything to him cos it will just upset him more. and he will take that out on me. sue's not as bad as andy makes out.i am always catching him out in lies. like last night he got a text on our way back from my dads, it was a lady he works with telling him she wont be going in that night. i asked why she telling you that. he said i pick her up and take her to work. he swears he told me. but he never did. so why lie again or keep it from me if he doesnt feel guilty about things. he is still talking to his friend on line. i feel a failure. it seems like he just wants to shove it in my face all the time. he thinks i am an idiot. right now he is working nights so he is in bed or at work. so thats good we cant argue.then i got a text from his sis yesterday, she asked me if i wanted to go to see their brother in cambridge, and if i didnt want to go, was there anything i need for them to take down. i had lost a photo of my brother in law and his wife at our wedding. but i found it. so now we can take it over. so i said that andy and i are going over one day on his next four days off. she texts back and says he is on nights how can he. so she didnt rad my first text to the the end.that agrevates me so much. she just like to try and control my life. they will be round here tonight. they usually are. and all i want is to be by myself.a friend of mine at the funeral noticed i wasnt my old self and asked am i happy. i had to tell the turth, no. then i started to talk about andy and our marriage and what he does to me. she said to pray to god to give me the strength to carry on. and to put it in andys heart that he will see what heis like and try and put things different,to ask him for his help. i havent done that for a long time. but i am going to put my trust in god and see what happens from now on. i cant keep up like this. hubbys been so lazy he hasnt fed the dog or walked him for three days now. so i am going to take the dog for a walk in a little while.and let him round over the park for a while. he will love that and be happy for the rest of the night. cos bubba wouldnt settle down last night. i had to feed him and it was too late and dark to walk him. we have had two rapes in town in the lastmonth. so i dont want to be out on my own even if it wears me out.
love to you all
love to you all
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