So, upon a lot of research and chatting on another site asking for help, I ended up here. So here I am putting myself out there, hoping someone can understand or tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I am extremely emotionally unstable. I am anxious and panicking 24/7, and I just want to sit and cry about everything going on in my life. I have no motivation to do anything. There is a lot going on in my life right now, so I guess let me start with that.
I have a boyfriend who I've been with for a little over a year who has depression and anxiety way worse than me. This is difficult to say the least, but I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him and to be with him. We have definitely been in a bit of a rough patch for the last few weeks, and most of that is probably on him and not me. Here's the thing. He's on medication, and they have really not been working so he's switching his medications. He was very unstable, and just in a horrible mood all day, every day. Every day that I would get home from work (he lives with me), I would be worried as to what type of mood he would be in. I was walking on eggshells every day in hopes of not setting him off. He was picking fights with me about anything because he was feeling so badly about himself over things, and he was not going out anywhere he was pretty much stuck inside all day every day, so I was the only person for him to take things out on. Well, that ended up with him telling me he wanted to break up, and he left and went back to his parents house. Four days later, he came over for us to talk and he was supposed to pick up his stuff, but that ended up being him apologizing for being unstable and for hurting me and leaving me because he wants to be with me, so we got back together. We've been back together for about 3 weeks since this happened, and it's been good since then.
This weekend we had plans to go out kayaking together on Saturday. We've had this planned for weeks and it was actually rescheduled from another earlier weekend. We talked about it Friday and he was all excited. Saturday we started getting ready and then he decided he didnt want to go. He just all of a sudden got mad and rude, and I got really upset. I started crying and asking him why he's going to do this and ditch the plans that he promised he would not ditch. He didn't care he just got mad and was being so rude to me so I told him to leave if he's going to talk to me the way he was. He took that as me telling him we were breaking up, and to leave for good, and told me he was going to go. That was NOT what I meant and I was explaining that to him, but he was upset and I was upset, and he said he was going. At this point, I LOST my shit. Like literally, I was hysterically crying, begging him not to go, my hands were shaking, I was yelling, everything. He kept telling me to calm down and go in the other room to cool off. I begged him to hug me and help calm me down and he refused and kept telling me to go relax so I finally did. In this time, I began writing in my journal this whole thing about how if he leaves, I'm done. It may seem stupid, but it's not just because of him that I wanted to say I'm done. I have gone through so much shit and have so many things happening right now, he is my rock, my best friend, my everything. I do not know what I would do without him. I started freaking out because I remembered how badly I felt when we did break up for 4 days. I did not sleep, I did not go to work, I lost 5 lbs in 4 days, and I did not stop crying. No - a boyfriend is not EVERYTHING, but this is how I feel, this is how I react to things, this is what I do to myself. Then I start hating myself for doing these things and blame it all on myself. It feels so unbelievably horrible to just blame yourself for everything and try to be okay.
So here I am, looking for some advice. I feel like I'm going to burst. I need to manage my anger and my sadness better. I have been in therapy 3 separate times in my life for months at a time, but right now I truly cannot afford it, and that kills me. Even if I can afford it, there are things I have done and thoughts that I have that I would never be comfortable sharing with a therapist. I have struggled all my life - and one major thing that kills me is that I don't ever talk like this or try to make it seem like I'm so horrible to my boyfriend because I'm too worried about him.
What is wrong with me :(