I just sent this to my girlfriend, and I thought I'd add it here.

Sue me, I was watching Dexter when I thought of this. It's a good show, and until I get feelings of my own, good TV shows help.

Anyway, I just thought I'd get feedback on it - you know, if anyone else feels like this, or if maybe someone has advice.

Right now, I think my solution is to break the cycle - get myself focussed on Uni, get out of bed at a decent time every day and work hard on my coursework, and forget everything else. If I can achieve something like that, THEN I can start working on my other projects.

(actually, that's the first time I've really fully realised that fact - hey, posting here has helped!)

Anyway, there's the email:
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Hey.

I hope you don't mind this. I feel like putting some stuff down, and I never want to do it if its just for myself. Don't worry, I'm not going to confess to being a serial killer or anything.

I've not been keeping a diary for my therapy thing. I've justified it by telling myself that I don't need to - I meet the same people, talk to them about the same things. I eat BAD, I sleep BAD. I need to scrap my diet and plans and start again. I also told myself I don't want someone telling me I need new friends, or a new life.

But that's part of the problem. I'm an addict. I've realised this. I'm addicted to nothingness. I need it. I crave it. I organise my life around achieving nothing, and when something seems like it might amount to something, I run from it - writing, playing guitar, developing games or websites. I've even started running from you, because I'm beginning to see a future for us.

I spend my time doing things - sleeping, smoking, walking, listening to music, getting drunk or stoned - anything that won't amount to anything. Anything I can't fail at.

I think I'm scared that I'll fail at anything I do, and I don't know why. The drugs help with that - I can control it, but I'm still scared. Not of failure exactly, just of accomplishing something, and I don't know why I'm scared of that. The thought normally excites me.

Anyway, I had planned on getting out of bed at a decent time, taking a hike to B&Q, and fixing Timmy's wall today, but so far all I've managed is to sleep in for an extra 4 hours and watch a whole bunch of TV shows. I haven't even showered yet.

Hopefully I'll see you tonight, though you probably won't see this until later.

Thanks for reading. I love you. Don't worry, I don't expect you to fix any of this, it just helps to have someone I can talk to. Somehow, you make me feel like you love me no matter who I am.