Let me first begin by saying.....Thank God! I have had some major MAJOR things go wrong in my life. Troubles from the time I was born. (That in its self is a book and I won\'t bore you with the details.) I was married at age 19 to a man that I thought was the most charasmatic man I had ever met. Good looking...6\'1\" about 180, blonde hair, blue eyes....Every young girls dream. I was pregnant by the time I got married. Born to us a beautiful daughter. I swore to her the day she was born that I would do everything I could to make sure she would not lead the kind of childhood I led. A year later I was pregnant, again....another beautiful daughter!! I was so happy! Loving one another a family. Then one day, things took a turn, he became abusive, belittling and not the person that he had been when I had met him a short two years earlier. He started staying out late, then would be missing for days....sometimes weeks. He was a crack addict. Being how naive and so just wanting to get out and see the world, I wanted to make this work. Tried to get him help. I got a job waitressing full time. Making great money. He was in car sales and was in and out of jobs all the time. I would work 12 hour days, and come home to take care of the kids. Family was helpful and would watch them when they could. One Christmas, I worked so hard and made ALOT of money. 12 hours a day for about 2 weeks straight at a restaraunt/bar in a mall, it was good money!!! And I was so proud, I was going to give the kids the best Christmas EVER!!! I get a day off to go shopping and found everything that I had worked so hard for....GONE. He took it and went on a binge. This is just an example of things that he put me through. That was until one day, there was a knock at the door...they were looking for him...he had molested, raped..my 11 year old sister. He was convicted, I had to testify and pick sides. Who do you chose? The father of your kids? or your sister??? I couldn\'t and I told the truth about anything that I knew. He was in jail for two years. I met a wonderful man while he was in there. We dated, I didn\'t let him meet the kids at first. (More on this later) Bear with me, I swear, it gets better!!! I began to drink after work, to ease the pain. I mean, wasn\'t I woman enough for him that he had to RAPE a 11 year old girl? He got out of jail, got a job and was doing good. He would call me and tell me how he was doing, and that he loved me and missed me. I told him that if he could stay straight for 6 months I would give him a chance. Two months later, there was a knock on my door.. The police, asking if I was his wife. HE had jumped in front of a train, killing him instantly. The identified him because of the finger that they had found and ran through the criminal database. He had broken into someone\'s house...robbed her at knife point, then stabbed her to death. She was 67 years old. I was a widow at age of 29. My drinking escalated, but I was what they called a functioning alcoholic. I got remarried to that wonderful man that I told you about earlier. Anyone who has seen my recent posts knows what I was going through, recently with this husband. Well......last Thursday, I overdosed...prozac and Lorzipam (?) I woke up in a Mental Health institute....yes, the looney bin, yes, committed. I had no clue what I was waking up to. I had cried for help so many times, family, friends, husband...and no one knew how, no one would. I woke up to the best group of people that I could have hoped for. They listened, they helped. I went to therapy, counseling, group counseling, art therapy...you name it, and I listen, and I cried and I realized 4 things..1). I didn\'t want to end up like those people in there, some were 80 years old getting Electric Shock Therapy! 2). There are other people like me, been through things, some even WORSE!!! 3). My kids mean the world to me and so does my recovery and my sobriety, 4). Sometimes you need that kick in the ass, my husband this time leaving me, to get that fire started....even if it is baby steps. There is help, and don\'t be afraid to ask for it. You probally have an angel like I did in the form of a beautiful man, who loved me and helped in his own way. I am TODAY out of the center...going to a partial-hospitalization-program, I need a little, more...its those baby steps, getting therapy for me, my kids and my addiction. Its not going to be easy, there are going to be tears, there is going to be laughter, but dammit, I am going to make it. Good days and bad days. One day at a time, one step at a time. Sober since December 15, 2006...new life--starts TODAY!
Posts You May Be Interested In
I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...