Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi I am new here and it took every bit of courage I have to post.
Well to say the least I believe I am depressed and maybe alot more things but I do not know.
I really need help, I'm so lost, I'm trembling trying to type this from fear of what could happen from exposing my feelings to the world.
To start off with and I don't know if it matters any, but I am married 20 years now and I love my wife more then life itself, I wish I could express it more but I cannot because that would crack my protective shell I live in.
Well anyway I have been depressed I think for about 10 years now and everything has been slowly but surely getting worse.
I cannot even function anymore I cry about just about everything ( most of which I cry inside and dont expose it ) lately though I can no longer contain it and been crying openly infront of my wife and I dont want her to be hurt or upset that I have issues.
I don't know where to start, I have Never told anyone the things I am about to type here due to fear of unleashing the massive ball of emotions I keep locked inside.
I feel the whole world is out to get me, I end up making myself mad and fighting with my other self ( just talk to myself, because I have nobody I can talk to ) yes I know what you must be thinking talk to your wife but I.. I just can not, I don't want her to know her hubby is nuts.
It's all so overpowering to me that I have reached the end of the line, I cannot take anymore of the feelings I have.
I am not a violent person, and I would never hurt my wife, atleast I do not think I would, its just the emptyness and lonelyness and feeling of worthlessness are killing me, but the worst issue I have and have only spoke of this to my wife and only recently, but for the last 2 years or so I have become mad and madder then hell and I dont know why, I have so much damn anger and hatred built up inside of me I just cannot take it anymore.
I am so scared I will actually do one of the crazy thoughts I have constantly, that it's making me insane, what I am talking about is everyday things turnout to be horrid images for me, ex. I will be cleaning the house and say there is a bottle of bleach on the counter, I'll see myself picking it up and drinking it, I have not ever done it, but I have come close to acting out these little visions if you want to call them that, but its worse and ALOT more worse, the last year or so no matter where I go or what I am doing or whomever I am around it's almost always the same, I have these visions so to speak, example of it we went out to eat and somebody walking past us I just glanced up at the guy and I *seen* myself...this is hard..but I seen myself taking my fork and tearing out the guys throat, and its so damn graphic and vivid, almost lucid, I mean its to the point that it's so *real* that I have sensations to go with it, I mean I have sense of smell and feeling to go along with it, like if in the vision I had blood on my hands I can actually smell and feel it even though it's not real.
This IS making me ill, id never do these things so I don't know why I have these feelings and urges, I have an incredible amount of self-control and doubt I would ever do these things but it's taken over my life now, I try and lock it away like I do everything else but I feel I cannot contain it any longer and I would rather end my life then keep feeling this way, just the emptyness I feel is so overpowering, and under it all there is a longing, and that itself is tearing me apart, theres something I am longing for so baddly and I dont know what it is, everytime I feel I'm about to discover what it is, it slips away again.
Its just to much to take anymore the sadness and emptyness..the anger and hate that I feel towards everything, and damnit im not like that, thats not me.
I know I should seek help, but I do not have the desire to be locked up, I know thats what will happen if I told a therapist the way I feel and the things I see in my head, I am very against psycho drugs and I will explain why, I have 2 older brother and a older sister, my sister is ( has ) bipolar disorder if thats what its called, and alot more im certain, my oldest brother is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, I have seen the effects of those drugs upon my siblings and well, I dont know what scares me more the feelings I have, or the way I know those drugs will change the person I am, I like who I am just not all the crazy crap that comes with it.
Well I think I have covered the most important issues I face, though it's hard to say I have such a one track mind, I cannot even have a conversation with people because I cannot *listen* to them, by that I mean I have to think about what I am going to say in return, whats hard about it is if I dont think about what I am going to say I will have forgot what was said and will end up standing there babbling because I cannot remember what was said.
I have tried going to church within the last year, before that I had not been in a church since my childhood, I said my sinners prayer and according to the pastor im now saved, but I dont believe I truly meant it in my heart like they said I have to, I just do not feel I was sincere with god, I have since stopped going to church, I do not feel it was helping me, ( always been a man of science ) but anyway I do not want to offend anybody I know religion is a touchy subject nowadays.
Please do Not think I am here looking for pity or anything like that, I just need to get these feelings out of me and really need somebody to talk to and if that comes by this medium thats great, if not I can just crawl back in my shell, and go on surviving ( if even it can be called that, I have not enjoyed life in a long long time ) thanks to whoever reads this, I feel a lil better just having typed this here.
Mike...aka BigCountry
Well to say the least I believe I am depressed and maybe alot more things but I do not know.
I really need help, I'm so lost, I'm trembling trying to type this from fear of what could happen from exposing my feelings to the world.
To start off with and I don't know if it matters any, but I am married 20 years now and I love my wife more then life itself, I wish I could express it more but I cannot because that would crack my protective shell I live in.
Well anyway I have been depressed I think for about 10 years now and everything has been slowly but surely getting worse.
I cannot even function anymore I cry about just about everything ( most of which I cry inside and dont expose it ) lately though I can no longer contain it and been crying openly infront of my wife and I dont want her to be hurt or upset that I have issues.
I don't know where to start, I have Never told anyone the things I am about to type here due to fear of unleashing the massive ball of emotions I keep locked inside.
I feel the whole world is out to get me, I end up making myself mad and fighting with my other self ( just talk to myself, because I have nobody I can talk to ) yes I know what you must be thinking talk to your wife but I.. I just can not, I don't want her to know her hubby is nuts.
It's all so overpowering to me that I have reached the end of the line, I cannot take anymore of the feelings I have.
I am not a violent person, and I would never hurt my wife, atleast I do not think I would, its just the emptyness and lonelyness and feeling of worthlessness are killing me, but the worst issue I have and have only spoke of this to my wife and only recently, but for the last 2 years or so I have become mad and madder then hell and I dont know why, I have so much damn anger and hatred built up inside of me I just cannot take it anymore.
I am so scared I will actually do one of the crazy thoughts I have constantly, that it's making me insane, what I am talking about is everyday things turnout to be horrid images for me, ex. I will be cleaning the house and say there is a bottle of bleach on the counter, I'll see myself picking it up and drinking it, I have not ever done it, but I have come close to acting out these little visions if you want to call them that, but its worse and ALOT more worse, the last year or so no matter where I go or what I am doing or whomever I am around it's almost always the same, I have these visions so to speak, example of it we went out to eat and somebody walking past us I just glanced up at the guy and I *seen* myself...this is hard..but I seen myself taking my fork and tearing out the guys throat, and its so damn graphic and vivid, almost lucid, I mean its to the point that it's so *real* that I have sensations to go with it, I mean I have sense of smell and feeling to go along with it, like if in the vision I had blood on my hands I can actually smell and feel it even though it's not real.
This IS making me ill, id never do these things so I don't know why I have these feelings and urges, I have an incredible amount of self-control and doubt I would ever do these things but it's taken over my life now, I try and lock it away like I do everything else but I feel I cannot contain it any longer and I would rather end my life then keep feeling this way, just the emptyness I feel is so overpowering, and under it all there is a longing, and that itself is tearing me apart, theres something I am longing for so baddly and I dont know what it is, everytime I feel I'm about to discover what it is, it slips away again.
Its just to much to take anymore the sadness and emptyness..the anger and hate that I feel towards everything, and damnit im not like that, thats not me.
I know I should seek help, but I do not have the desire to be locked up, I know thats what will happen if I told a therapist the way I feel and the things I see in my head, I am very against psycho drugs and I will explain why, I have 2 older brother and a older sister, my sister is ( has ) bipolar disorder if thats what its called, and alot more im certain, my oldest brother is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, I have seen the effects of those drugs upon my siblings and well, I dont know what scares me more the feelings I have, or the way I know those drugs will change the person I am, I like who I am just not all the crazy crap that comes with it.
Well I think I have covered the most important issues I face, though it's hard to say I have such a one track mind, I cannot even have a conversation with people because I cannot *listen* to them, by that I mean I have to think about what I am going to say in return, whats hard about it is if I dont think about what I am going to say I will have forgot what was said and will end up standing there babbling because I cannot remember what was said.
I have tried going to church within the last year, before that I had not been in a church since my childhood, I said my sinners prayer and according to the pastor im now saved, but I dont believe I truly meant it in my heart like they said I have to, I just do not feel I was sincere with god, I have since stopped going to church, I do not feel it was helping me, ( always been a man of science ) but anyway I do not want to offend anybody I know religion is a touchy subject nowadays.
Please do Not think I am here looking for pity or anything like that, I just need to get these feelings out of me and really need somebody to talk to and if that comes by this medium thats great, if not I can just crawl back in my shell, and go on surviving ( if even it can be called that, I have not enjoyed life in a long long time ) thanks to whoever reads this, I feel a lil better just having typed this here.
Mike...aka BigCountry
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I know you say you don't want to be on any kind of medication, but not all medications will "erase" you. They can be a tremendous help.
I really don't believe you would be locked up for telling a doc your feelings. Otherwise I believe everyone in these rooms would be locked up.
It trult sounds like you could be helped if you would seel out a good Dr.
You are NOT some kind of freak!
Would you at least consider speaking with someone?
Hi there, my name is Noel, 23. You've GOT to see a doctor. My dad is a 51 year old 300 lb. construction worker, and he went to the doctor, I KNOW you can. I don't think, just me typing out loud, that you need and antipsychotic, which is probably what your brother and sister are on, but maybe an anti-depressant, something to help. What happens to me is, my toughts start going crazy, jumbled up, like a tornado, headaches, just wanna end it all, because I can't make sense of anything. I feel like I'm on an island, everyone I know and love are around me, laughing, loving, and I'm yelling, screaming for help, but they can't hear me or see me. Medicine ehlps me so much. It's like a fishin hook, hooking into my thoughts, and straightening them out, so I can think clearly.
I used to talk to myself in the mirror everyday telling myself I was stupid and ugly and so on and I was so angry. I used to cry everyday for no apparent reason - just driving down the road and have to stop because I was bawling. I thought I was going nuts. The Dr. gave me Effexor and within a week or two the thoughts had gone and I was back to 'normal' whatever that is!! Life is so much more manageable now - I'm not cured and my personality hasn't altered but I am more in control.
Hope this helps you.
My father was bipolar too, and probably me and my oldest son, who committed suicide. I am getting to a place in my life where I need medication to keep going, and i'm not liking it either, but when I almost killed myself two weeks after my son died, I realized I don't always have control over my behavior. Even though I have spent a lifetime like you have, stuffing it all inside. And I am getting oler, tireder, and more depressed.
Believe me, it will be FAR better to find what helps now rather than later. You could lose control at some point and if you do, it will be too late for whoever your target happens to be.
Also, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to control and manage it, especially, as you describe, it is getting worse. There are several different medications, some more toxic than others, and most of the time, they do not cause permanent side effects. A therapist will not likely have you hospitalized unless you express a specific threat to yourself or others. There is a big difference between talking about what you think and feel, and talking about doing those things. That is when they draw the line. Otherwise, they can be in big legal trouble for wrongfully having someone committed.
As far as your salvation goes, it is not a matter of how you feel about it - including how sincere you were. It is mor e important why you did it - just to comply, or as a statement of faith. But it is something that needs to be nurtured and persued, or it will die away. I suspect you still have a connection you are not yet aware of.