Ok tonight is one of those nights. A lovely confluence of too much caffiene, feeling wonderful this morning and now depressed again, feeling completely worthless tonight, all the triggers are getting pulled. I am not in a suicidal depression but I am feeling it tonight. It is no one's fault, except maybe mine, in that sometimes when I am closely connected to someone I energetically pick up their emotions etc to the point where I cannot figure out where their emotions end and mine begin. I may be going through that tonight, in fact I am pretty certain of it. Usually it does not affect me to this degree. My fear of always losing the beautiful things in my life just after they enter, that fear is killing me tonight. My fear that everytime I think I have met the love of my life they walk out of my life shortly thereafter, leaving a wake of depression that lasts eons, that fear is not helping either. So far I see several relationships, well, three really in my life, none which resulted in anything LIKE marriage. It is hard not to feel pathetic with that going on. Especially that I have been chasing the dream of finding my soulmate since I was 9, and especially since I am almost 38. I want to believe she is really here, that she really loves me, etc. I also cannot see how she would love me, how she would even remotely be attracted to me, I think sometimes this life is a cruel joke on me, and that the spirits are quietly laughing amongst themselves. I hate this feeling. It may well not even have foundation. I hope that this ends up being the case.
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