Ok tonight is one of those nights. A lovely confluence of too much caffiene, feeling wonderful this morning and now depressed again, feeling completely worthless tonight, all the triggers are getting pulled. I am not in a suicidal depression but I am feeling it tonight. It is no one's fault, except maybe mine, in that sometimes when I am closely connected to someone I energetically pick up their emotions etc to the point where I cannot figure out where their emotions end and mine begin. I may be going through that tonight, in fact I am pretty certain of it. Usually it does not affect me to this degree. My fear of always losing the beautiful things in my life just after they enter, that fear is killing me tonight. My fear that everytime I think I have met the love of my life they walk out of my life shortly thereafter, leaving a wake of depression that lasts eons, that fear is not helping either. So far I see several relationships, well, three really in my life, none which resulted in anything LIKE marriage. It is hard not to feel pathetic with that going on. Especially that I have been chasing the dream of finding my soulmate since I was 9, and especially since I am almost 38. I want to believe she is really here, that she really loves me, etc. I also cannot see how she would love me, how she would even remotely be attracted to me, I think sometimes this life is a cruel joke on me, and that the spirits are quietly laughing amongst themselves. I hate this feeling. It may well not even have foundation. I hope that this ends up being the case.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...