I dont get it, my life is actually very good when you put it down on paper. I push myself to stay busy and not think about things too much. Then the lump comes in my throat and I am SOOOOO depressed. I feel so alone and like nothing matters. I feel disconnected and out of place. I see everyone else out there and they have genuine reasons to feel bad. I feel guilty for feeling bad. I dont tell those around me because I dont want to burden them. I act happy and upbeat and all the while I am thinking - why go on? I am going to take another Xanax - have another drink and hide it. I just cant seem to find the point of anything. I will have a voice in my head say 'is this all life is? just one scheduled distraction after another to keep you from knowing that in the end it really means nothing. Distraction - work; distraction - school; distraction - entertainment' - I really hate that voice by the way :) I prefer and am angered by the one that I equate to a drill sergeant - 'Why are you complaining?! People over there have it so much worse! get up off your lazy butt and do something!' I am so bored by life and nothing seems exciting anymore and I think if this is it for the rest of my life - I dont want it. Why cant I just accept the good things in my life and quit complaining? I really hate depression - I know it will pass. It always has in the past. I just get so low sometimes I just dont know that I can make to the end of the low periods.
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