its april already,the one year anniversay is approaching marking my fathers death,,dont know if i can make it till then..thoughts of suicide plague me daily..i was supposed to protect my dad and take care of him like i always have..i was supposed to make all of his medical decisions just like i always have..he was estranged from my brother and sister..they never cared anyway..they were never there for him through all of his surgerys or birthdays or holidays..they never made and effort to be with him or call him even when he begged them to..my brother lived in the same town drove by his house daily never stopped in or called unless it was to borrow money..or have dad do something for him..my druggy sister only called when she needed money or groceries..she lived twenty minutes from him..i was there always for every thing and never ask for anything..i was there for every hospitalzation every surgery,,every holiday and there constantly i lived 5 1/2 hours away..i talked to 5 to 10 times daily..i handled his bussiness legal,,medical what ever he needed..we were very close..he always said i was the only one he could count on..my brother and sister were very jealous of our relationship..but they could have been there to if they would have made the effort..my brother used to molest me,, when dad lived out of state..i never told my dad it would have killed him..i told my mom but she never would believe me..i got beat for telling..course i got beat for telling when her drunk bar buddies were trying to molest me..my mom and dad were divorced since i was little..she had my dad move out of state,,a condition he had to do in order to see us..i still love my mom though...my oldest daughter may be my brothers child..another reason i did not tell my dad..dad was my rock,, when he was allowed to be around..starting from age 16 dad was around a lot..i miss him so much..my brother walked in behind my back and had my dad taken offf life support on mothers day may 13th 2007,,just to spite me..he killed my dad and i am devastated..i could not protect my dad..i could not save him..i promised him i would..i failed him..i dont ask for help anymore..its getting closer,, death is..i think of the tradegy of his life and of his death..he was my best friend and my dad..he was my life..i was not allowed to be with him when he died or even to go to his funeral..his friends and all who knew him were very upset with this..they knew dad would want me to be with him during this time as his life slipped away from him i saw him four days before he died ..i kissed his face and ears and his hands,,i combed his hair and held his hand i massaged his feet and prayed for him..i told him i was there..i hugged him and told him my brother would not let me be with him..and that i always loved him and would for all eternity..i kissed his face and forheadand told him if needd to go i would understand and i would be all right..i fell out or something and i remeber them taking me to my truck ,,from the wheel chair and putting me in my truck..i waited by the phone and kept calling to see when he passed away..they kept him from me .. and me from him during his death and funeral..but they will not keep us apart in death..i will be be him soon..
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