TW: Suicide and Suicidal Ideation
"Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so"
The first two lines of this poem resonate with me today. Death has become a part of my life. I just moved to a new city, and am in the process of finding a new care team (Therapist, doctor, psychiatrist). My biggest health problem right now is about every 6 months I try to kill myself or seriously self harm. The line between those two are blurred. I am stable right now, if a little weighed down by my emotions, but with all these new health interviews I'm repeatedly rehearsing and reciting my history of dances with death. I just finished graduate school, where I was hospitalized every semester for 5 semesters. At the time I was doing what had to be done to get through grad school, finish and get out. I guess I'm proud that I stuck with it and it didn't kill me, but It left me with a mental health track sheet that I'm not proud of. 5-6 times in 3 years, the last and most serious one was only 2 months ago.
It's not even worth pretending that the whispers of death don't sit on my shoulder every day like an annoying neighbor who invited himself in. I live with death. It feels very lonely. I don't know anyone else who simply has to put up with it every day. If I tell anyone about it they either dismiss it or they jump to serious concern and protective measures. It's always good to be safe, but I don't know who to talk to about this. Not my friends and family, it will only upset them or hurt me further. Death is rotten company, but for now, he has no power over me.
For nearly 25 years, I worked for the same employer (ATCO GAS) at the local gas company. In that time, I had been subjected to, or wittnessed, black listing, red circling, harrasement of several forms, and manipulations and deciet. I was a hard working employee, who took his job seriously and never missed a day in 13 of those years. I had positive reviews, and accomplished several feats. One day...
A year ago my therapist closed her practice, but we continued our sessions with skype sessions up until this past October. She moved and told me she would get back with me when things settled down. She notified me in December and told me she would get with me in January. The month is almost over and I have not heard from her. It would not be so bad, but I found out this month that my psychiatrist...