Well I am new here but I have to get this out so I hope it all makes sense in the end. I have had depression for a long time all though if you asked my family they would never know! I hide it and I hide it well, that is until about the last few months I mean sometimes I cannot hide it but I would just cover it up with excuses and denials I started self medicating myself and at first it helped and I felt better but now it has hit me like a ton of bricks and I am starting to sink from the pressure. I have three sons and I cannot let this beat me! asking for help has been the hardest thing for me it was like waving a big banner over my head so everyone could see what was wrong with me. I want to be well!! so badly I want to be productive and happy and I try I try so hard to be those things but I self destruct because it is all fake. I am not on meds yet I go in to see the doctor in 3 days I have taken them before and they helped but when I felt better I quit taking them I thought I was better and at first I was okay I went back to school I got my degree but as I was ending my last quarter my grades began to drop and I could feel myself slipping but I didn't want it to be true I just kept telling myself you are stronger then this keep your shit together girl you can do it! And then it got worse and I started thinking of ways to kill myself just end it I started thinking of who I could take my baby to so that I could do this and I knew then that I need help I am not strong enough to do this by myself I am barely getting anything done and I can see that it is effecting the way I parent the way I interact with my husband everything it effects everything I have my degree but I have trouble leaving my house I have trouble relating to other people and making friends I need help I know this and I need to get my thoughts out of my head and I never once thought to find a forum like this to do it until today!
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