I feel like Im in total darkness most of the time. It is quite a scary place to be. I havent experienced anything like it. While in the darkness, I just sit and stare into space. I dont feel. I dont anything for the longest time. But the longer I stay there the more dangerous it becomes. Its while in total darkness that the tormenting, invasive thoughts come. They are always there; enticing, even seductive in a weird sort of way. They go round and round inside my head. They throw up images that are tempting, those same images that come back time after time. I feel like Im in a whole different world, almost like a parallel one, where I can be in both at the same time. I can be totally aware of whats going on around me but be totally off in this other world at the same time. I can be having a conversation with someone and vivid images of cutting myself or swallowing enough pills to kill myself play like a movie in my mind. The images are becoming less disturbing to me and I almost feel comfortable with them. But I do have something inside of me that continues to put up a fight against them. I just need to say that I am so, so tired. I hardly have any energy at all. This is a lonely place to be too. There are not many people who understand the struggle and I dont want to burden them with it anyway. And once again I write everything is a struggle and most days it would be easier for me to just stay in bed forever. But thats not my destiny. So I refuse to do it. Yes I am tired, exhausted even, totally drained of all energy, but I do have something stronger in me that gives me just enough grace to move forward. This is the stuff I tell myself but honestly I just feel like digging a hole, climbing in it and never coming out. I hate it how I cant be real with everyone and have to put up a front. I feel like Im hiding myself away from the world. I cant even tell mum because she gets so dramatic about everything and I definitely cant cope with that.I try to share most things with my hubby and even he finds it hard enough to cope with. Oh how I look forward to the day when this is all behind me. At the moment it seems to be a long way off.
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