Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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darkness

deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel like Im in total darkness most of the time. It is quite a scary place to be. I havent experienced anything like it. While in the darkness, I just sit and stare into space. I dont feel. I dont anything for the longest time. But the longer I stay there the more dangerous it becomes. Its while in total darkness that the tormenting, invasive thoughts come. They are always there; enticing, even seductive in a weird sort of way. They go round and round inside my head. They throw up images that are tempting, those same images that come back time after time. I feel like Im in a whole different world, almost like a parallel one, where I can be in both at the same time. I can be totally aware of whats going on around me but be totally off in this other world at the same time. I can be having a conversation with someone and vivid images of cutting myself or swallowing enough pills to kill myself play like a movie in my mind. The images are becoming less disturbing to me and I almost feel comfortable with them. But I do have something inside of me that continues to put up a fight against them. I just need to say that I am so, so tired. I hardly have any energy at all. This is a lonely place to be too. There are not many people who understand the struggle and I dont want to burden them with it anyway. And once again I write everything is a struggle and most days it would be easier for me to just stay in bed forever. But thats not my destiny. So I refuse to do it. Yes I am tired, exhausted even, totally drained of all energy, but I do have something stronger in me that gives me just enough grace to move forward. This is the stuff I tell myself but honestly I just feel like digging a hole, climbing in it and never coming out. I hate it how I cant be real with everyone and have to put up a front. I feel like Im hiding myself away from the world. I cant even tell mum because she gets so dramatic about everything and I definitely cant cope with that.I try to share most things with my hubby and even he finds it hard enough to cope with. Oh how I look forward to the day when this is all behind me. At the moment it seems to be a long way off.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand how you feel, and most people will not understand. I find it very difficult to relate to the "world" and seem to be in a twilight in-between place a lot of the time. Like observing through glass. But you do right not to give in. It is a balance between giving your brain rest to recover. Depression takes up a lot of energy. And getting up to do something positive each day.

But don't give into the death-type thoughts. They can get overwhelming. But mostly we don't want to die, we just want the bad state to end.

Sending you love - right across the world.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have some of those same dark feelings... It is such a hard place to be...don't even know what I did about it when it got so bad.... I know it can pass...cause it did for me...I never thought it would...and was about to give up... and surprised I did not... and I know...the temptation gets to be overwhelming. If there is a group that meets in your area...join it...do anything not to isolate...that is the toughest part... cause isolation seems to beget more isolation...and then it is so freaking hard to come out.
empathy
empathy
Please share more here. YOu will find others that have been there and that will have some great and helpful advice maybe. I sit and stare into space a lot and look into the mirror and not even know me. I just am comfortable showing others what they have come to expect from me. I stuff the ugly feelings and use distraction until they pass, which they always do.
bebu
bebu
Do you always feel like this or does it come in "waves" - I can feel like I'm in a black hole for a long period of time, and then, for no reason at all it seems to lift for a brief period of time. Is it like that for you?
deleted_user
deleted_user
First if you are in any sort of danger from these thoughts, please seek help. professional help. Do not let the thoughts become realities and cause actual physical pain to you or anyone else. Meantime, and while you are receiving help, please allow the thoughts and images to be. You are not in any real danger from them. Observe them as closely as possible. Do not judge them and just take note of each one as it arises. If this is not possible, please get or continue to get help. When you feel it is possible to just let them exist and observe them without judgement of them, do it. By not judging them as bad thoughts and by not judging them as good thoughts-i.e. going along with them, But by observing them as a neutral observer, is the fastest way to get them to subside completely. As long as you fight and resist them, you are giving them more energy. They are already an energy drain on you. You are tired, of course. But it doesn't have to be this way. They are not a reality at all. They are real thoughts but not real things. They have no reality in the physical world. The something stronger in you that has the strength to move forward can be built upon by just paying attention and not judging the thoughts one way or another, just observe. Each time you do this successfully, you will get more energy. And each time you get more energy, the more you can just sit and watch the thoughts. At one point, you will be able to laugh at these thoughts, then you know you have conquered them by not giving them any energy. Good luck and let me know how this turns out. Take care, later - John
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