as of now: drunk. as of now: things are NO BUENO at home. mom's leaving me here w/ my bro and my dad. i'm afraid to be here alone with them. steen is gonna swing by soon, or so she says. my mom let it all out, she's got the same feeling as me: we just wish in the morning when you're supposed to get up, you could just say "no, fuck it" and stay in bed. just give the fuck up and let everything take care of itself. some people do it, right? what do we even have left to keep going for? gotta psych appt for my bro tomorrow. if he doesn't go, she's gone. he called her a "stupid, fat fucking cunt" today. i went after him (my moms my best friend and NOBODY talks to her like that, especially her own son), now i've gotta busted lip. my dad didn't make things better. i'm sick of being called "fucking moron" "stupid bitch" "worthless coke head" "good for nothing".... all that in one day is too much to handle. and now i'm all cut up again. goddammit. shit, at least that'll keep me from sleeping w/ anyone for a while. maybe i'm just as crazy as they all are. i think i am. not looking for attetion here... just freaking the fuck out and my way of handling things has always been through writing. i'm going crazy. i think i'm already there. EVERYONE keeps saying things will get better. no. they're getting worse. i can't even leave here till my mom's gone. but then i've got nowhere to go. rudy's outta town for the rest of the month for work, can't stay at frank's or amy's cause i can't afford their rent, can't stay at steen's cause her p's are already taking care of a house full of people. i've got nothing and nobody right now. actually THINKING about calling my ex cause i know his p's love me and their door's always open to me but i don't even wanna go there... don't wanna stay in that house that smells like him, that reeks like him. i hate this.
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