It took me a year and a half to pull myself out of the deep dark hole I was in after my Mom died. I finally decided to change my attitude, and at least try to be happy. I know that's what she'd want for me and I want to honor her memory. I was doing well for about a month, then my dog had a tumor removed on Tuesday, and it turns out to be cancer. It's his third time. Anybody who knows me knows how much I love Austin and how much he means to me. If I didn't have him I never would have survived losing my Mom. Now there's a chance I may lose him, too, and it's tearing me up inside. I'm falling back into that hole again, I don't think I can handle another loss. I know he's not dead yet, and may not be for a long time, but I feel like it's smacking me in the face. He sees an oncologist on Friday so I guess we'll take it from there. I just want this all to go away. I blame myself for not taking him to the vet sooner, I thought it was just a fatty tumor from being an older dog. The vet said it wouldn't have mattered, the only difference would have been the amount of tissue they had to remove. I feel so freakin guilty. I almost want to hurt myself just to punnish myself for this. Just shoot me already.
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