going to make a confession. its a new year and i'm gonna try to clean up my act here. i have been and am working on NOT being an addict. i'm an alcoholic. i sleep around. not because i'm stupid enough to believe any of them are gonna stick around, but because at the moment it feels good to pretend i'm special. i've woken up more times than i can count next to someone, having no clue how i got there, knowing what i did, but not remembering a thing. looking around, still fucked up, for my clothes scattered across the floor, hoping my car is there so i can make an exit without waking them up. sometimes i think i'm crazy. have recently been referred to as "dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde... i never know what to expect from you." i've been abused my whole life. some people try to blame my men problems on my dad, but i'm not going to play the bad guy game. i'm afraid to be left home with my dad and younger brother. i've hurt other people, mostly unintentionally, but sometimes i know it will and just don't care. i guess you'd call it being selfish. sometimes i just say mean things. good friends laugh it off and just say "you're a bitch like that". thats what makes them good friends. i'd die for them, i'd drop everything for them. i've opened my home to addicts, trying to help them get clean. thats where i learn that love can't change a person. i've watched the person i love more than anything in the world give himself up to heroin. i don't talk to him anymore but i think about him every day. every day i wait to get the call that he's gone. but i guess he already is. i used to be smart, my cousin laughs that i kill more braincells by the day. i used to trust commitment and relationships. i drink every night. i smoke pot, i do coke, mushrooms, mescaline, opium, ecstacy, uppers, downers, pill popper i guess. i have troubles saying no to anything and anyone. sometimes i really don't want to give it up. i've been forgiven more times than i deserve. sometimes i want to change but don't know where to start. its out of control. i've been to hell and back. i'm tired, i'm worn out and i know i'm slowly killing myself. i miss so much of who i used to be. i used to be that sweet little hippie stoner girl. but since i've turned into who i am, i've had so many experiences that i know have made me stronger. i don't trust as easily, i brush more shit off than i used to, i don't sweat the small stuff. as i've lost my innocence i've lost being naieve, which is sad, but its what you need to survive. i know i'm strong and if i put my mind to it i can get better. i don't know how much of a mind i have left. i'm only 21.
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