one day i feel i am making progress and then the next day i take a step backwards. can't even tell anyone how i really feel... betrayed, someone's doormat, lied to and deceived.. why???? what did i do to these two men? my husband i was with all those years. he didn't have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of.. if not for me he would not have the business he has to this day.... no boasting here from me... not at this point in my life. i am to weather beaten from the storms of life.. just a fact here. i am the one that worked a job and saved every cent so we could buy a house. it was this house he got a second mortgage on to start his business. ok so he is a smart man with no education.. self smart. i admire him for that. still i know i was the power that helped make it happen... then as soon as the business succeeds he has his affair and tells me he loves another woman.. . .. ok i made it past that horrible time.. i almost died. i mean literally died. i loved him more than life itself... i can never tall anyone here the pain he inflicted on me.. poor pitiful me........... well i felt that way for a long time.... then i recover enough to try and just live another day... then i meet another man.. one i feel is so different... turns out even worse than the marriage.. i just plain give up... bigger liar than the husband if this is possible... at least with my ex husband you knew you had a bastard and tried to salvage whatever you could of the mess. this last man was on a pedestal to me... i thought him my best friend on this planet.... i think this is why i feel so kicked down... he was my friend.... or so i thought......... he cheated with this married woman he had known for many years and even told me he was impotent. what did i do? i accepted him anyway... thought he was my friend and he couldn't help it... then this past july i find out he has been having this affair with her off and on all these years. telling me he was impotent so we could never have a decent relationship. i would like to kick my own ass if i could... ... i would never brag in a million years but my backside would make her a sunday face... here i am with chances to make a new relationship and i feel so stuck and numb i can't feel anything but a little nudge of anger occasionally..... there is one thing i am thankful for .. i still love my dogs and my family and my friends here. as long as no one is in my personal space i am ok... i am scared to death of a man touching me.... what am i to do.... don't suggest therapy... been there and did it.... didn't help.... i would have to be drunk to have intimacy with anyone.. truth telling time here. lay all the cards on the table.... why do i give a dam at this stage of my life... xxxxx just want the anger to go away...... xxx
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