Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
You know when your brain just kind of bursts open....and all this crap comes out? Its like pus.....yellow, oozing muck. Its a relief to feel the pressure relieved but then you see the mess that its left. I can't fucking communicate, relate, understand ANYTHING beyond what goes round my brain....I like to think it all makes sense to me and that is all that matters isn't it? Well no it isn't. Because when it makes sense its only because the blood is racing through my veins and all I can feel is the pressure. I can't SEE anything except the old scars and scabs. What is inside feels like its keeping me alive.
Until the contents of my skull spew out again....and then I can see it, smell it, taste it. Its poison.
Trick or treat? Who gives a fuck?
Until the contents of my skull spew out again....and then I can see it, smell it, taste it. Its poison.
Trick or treat? Who gives a fuck?
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Oh...I don't know. Its nearly 4.00am.I'm so utterly fed up, tired but not sleepy, sober but feeling drunk. Thing is I've been depressed for 5 years without a day off. It varies from a low level ache to an absolute crushing, crashing, seething mess of apathy and rage. Since I had to pack in work two and a half years ago because of it I've had medication, psychology, CBT....its all bollocks. I still take the medication but that appears to lift the mood of my doctor more than it does me. It makes him feel like he's doing his bit for the National Health Service. And not having any routine any more gives me plenty of time to study philosphy, sociology, science and economics without ever picking up a book, or reading a newspaper. No. Its already here in my head. I just have to stir it up, rearrange it and dissect it and then I will know exactly where I am, who I am and where I am going. Talk about a 'life plan' eh?! Sadly however, I find that fundamentally I have, after 5 years, neither a life nor a plan.....
I'm too fucking 'smart' for my own good for the talkie treatment.I always find some flaw in the therapist's armour of positivity.I break them by confounding their 'distorted thinking' theory by persuading them that I've got good reason to feel utterly shit. I end up arguing with them....one poor woman was reduced to tears by my constant ability to contradict everything she was trying to program my mind with, in a manner that was forceful, insightful and logical.I was so fucking pleased with myself I felt great for maybe two minutes...And then the pointless futility of my 'achievements' began to dawn on me as she reached for one of the tissues that were supposed to be for me. The only therapist I actually got on with left me to take up another job after a few months, dropping me right back in the poo pot and merely serving to enhance my feeling that people generally are a mischievous, deceitful, unreliable breed and that I'm better off on my own. Except that I HATE being an intelligent human being, able to rationalise, analyse, ponder and probe the dark corners of my mind to such a degree that it hurts.
I just wish I was a fucking amoeba, or a goldfish, or a sloth....something that didn't have the abilty to worry or give a toss about anything other than the instinctive need to survive. Something that just gets on with its life without a care in the world. Something that doesn't need an explanation for why it has to do what it does, it just does it because it knows its the thing to do.
I like to think I'm so much more than that though. I want life to mean something and have a purpose beyond mere survival, but every time I have followed the conventional route that society dictates, it all falls apart.
Then, some nights at 4.00am when I find myself 'swimming' aimlessly around the house, in circles, like a goldfish in a bowl, or lying on the sofa stuffing food into my fat face like a sloth on the branch of a tree.....or simply unable to do anything except exist almost involuntarily as a shapeless amoeba parasitically attached to an internet 'pseudopod'.
That is when I start to think that there really is no answer. And think about the enormity of that concept, and think and fucking think until my brain bursts open.....