We've been together a year and a half. Before I met him I guess I was ripe for change and my god how everything changed. I've always been kind of a loner and I used to be happy that way. I guess as my life unfolds it keeps getting harder to be happy alone. I have never had a lot of friends but I have never had NO friends. He loved me so strong in the beginning, I hardly felt I needed any. The few shallow friendships I had dwindled away quickly when we started going out. He made me feel strong like i could change and grow with him. So I started to change and grow. I started taking classes at night, prerequisites for a program at a university. My job had been in need of an upgrade for two years already so when a new boss made things difficult for me, and he (boyfriend) said I could quit my job - I jumped ship. I did well in night school, got accepted to university, he moved in with me. I really miss my old place. I lived there for six years. It was too small for us both though, especially because he smokes spliffs and weed constantly for his anxiety disorder (diagnosed and everything). I can't lie and why would I here of all places - I got sucked into a weed and cigarette addiction living with him. He refuses to even use the word addict but he is one....and me? I am going through withdrawals right about now as I begin to face my upcoming school year -which is basically all I have to hold onto right now-. I used to run and exersize regularly. I used to have sex or at least the hope of some. He is so dispassionate, he leaves me alone and when we do get together I feel like he is doing me a favor (super degrading). We moved into a bigger place, it costs more, I have no job. He is a lot more poor now than he is used to. I have been poor all of my life and this does not phase me. He hates me for making him poor. He can't afford to buy all of the weed and cigarettes he needs. He is angry all the time. I didn't intend to be a mooch for so long. I looked for work over the summer but no one would hire me. Things have gotten so bad. We fight almost all of the time. I have work study coming my way and gov. loans....but it seems our love (if it really was love) has run out before I will get a chance to stop being financially dependent. He was mean to me the day we moved in here and noticeably different ever since. He used to be so sweet and mushy with me. I have never been wooed so hard and then dropped like a turd once gotten. I am so isolated now and kind of terrified that I can't do it without him. We are stuck together for at least another month while I wait for moneys to kick in and I don't know what to do with myself. I used to be confident and I worry I won't be able to succeed in school in my weakened state. I worry that if i can't succeed in school I will be homeless or worse. I worry that I am going to hurt myself. I am diagnosed depressive and have been suicidal in the past. I have a shrink but shes on vacation. I have no friends. If anyone has some advice or just friendly words of encouragement I could really use them.
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