Iv'e been battling with major depression for six years now,since I was 16,Iv'e had it on and off prevoiuse when I was 13.I'm now on medication but I have to say even with that there are some days where I don't want to get out of bed,don't want to face life and I really want to commit suicide.Iv'e attempted killing myself around about seven times now.It always gets very hard near christmas because my parents live over in the UK and I'm in NZ.They aren't very supportive,my aunt who I'm living with is trying hard to be supportive but there are times where she wants to give up on me.I feel like I'm letting everyone down.Its always the same just as I start moving in the wright direction and picking my life up something happens and I end up with the big black cloud again.I'd describe my depression as thick as black tar and it just consumes me and I can't get out of it.My judgement and rational thinking goes.I'm so sick of this game that Iv'e been playing for years and hardly ever feeling truely happy.I get to the point where I forget what happyness feels like.I try to focus on other things and help other people but in the long run as much as I love working with people at the end of the day I'm still left feeling the same.As a child I was told I was selfish by my mum,she had a mental breakdown.I suppose Iv'e jsut got it intrenched in my head by her and a part of me believes that.I so badly want to think positivly about everything but I just can't.There are days when I just feel so lost in my head and nothing can break the cycle,sorry for venting.I just yeah feel like shit at the moment.