So it's been a month since my last confession and things have gotten somewhat better. I moved into my new house back in town and I'm very thankful to be out of my brother's garage. It's a nice townhouse in the center of town that's near everything I need, the neighbors are nice, and my commute has dropped from 45 to 10 minutes. For all intents and purposes I should be happy and thankful, for which I am very greatful for my blessings, however I still cannot help but feel overwhelmed by lonliness, isolation, and dread. I've had guests over and we had a great time, my roommate and I get along superbly but I still feel rotten. Up until today, I couldn't figure out what was missing.
I still get along with my ex very well. Just today she came over and helped me unpack. We BSd, laughed, joked, and told each other how we were doing, it was great. We were organizing the master bathroom when she came across my box of condoms, of which I haven't used any since February. She joked about finding the box, of which I nonchelantly joked, "Like I'll ever use those again!" She then asked if she could have them and that caught me off guard and stupid, stupid, stupid me I asked why. Turns out, while we're still waiting for our papers to go through she's going through a dwindling stash of profilactics with some guy she's known for months. Granted I've dated some women since (although there was no intimacy) but it hit me hard for two reasons.
The first is that she hated being intimate with me and we could count the times we had sex in our marriage on two hands and here she is plowing through a Costco-size supply like a Marine division on shore leave. It makes me question my quality as a guy, a lover, and a partner if I couldn't satisfy her but some random "boy toy" can.
The second is my lack of success. I met some wonderful women and had a great but they never reciprocated my affection and I got friend-zoned time after time after time. I never wore my recent divorce on my sleeve as I wanted to be a new person with fresh start and optomistic prospects but, for one reason or another, I failed to meet up to their standards. I do have a strong personality and my education and academic background does show through my verbiage, demeanor, and smooth tone of voice (not bragging, but my voice has often been described as melodic and soothing) and that does tend to intimidate people. I was talking to a trusted lady friend (who is in a very happy relationship with another and I won't DARE infringe on that) who said that my intellect and strong personality is intimidating to many and, whether I believe that or not, I don't know how to handle that.
I digress, I can't seem to find success in dating and it has shown me something that I haven't quite gotten over yet; having half my world ripped from me. She, the wife, was my world and I adored her, worshipped her, and fought with everything I could to support her and keep our marriage alive. To see her happy, physically and otherwise, with another is one of the worst reminders of my failure as a husband and a male. It also reminds me that a great part of me is gone forever and may never come back, like exposing a healing wound to check on it's recovery, only to see that it is still gaping and ever-so excrutiatingly painful.
Worse yet, who can I tell? Who can console me through this horrendous realization? The answer is very simple, no one. I have burdened my friends and family enough to where they are probably sick of it and then, congratulations, you've become THAT GUY that just sobs a lot and can't get over that no one wants you. There's a friend of mine at work that has become that guy and it's annoying to where no one will talk to him anymore so I WILL NOT become like that... at least not publicly. I will not tell my friends or family and no one will know what has happened or how bad it is. As soon as I'm done here I will clean myself up with a nice shower in my new master bathroom, exit with a smile on my face and no one will be the wiser. I will continue to record my progress here as a form of expression so I can, at least, vent a little, and get it out but I cannot afford therapy and my friends and family have been tapped out.
I don't think about suicide so much as I did last time but it still hits me a few times a day. I keep telling myself, "You made it this far, might as well go another day," and I say that every night before I go to bed and so far it's kept me alive. Perhaps there is hope somewhere out there but it feels like the long twilight at this point as I keep getting reminded of my failures and the fact that I'm as undesirable as they come. I will focus on my art more as I just finished up a few promos for a convention I work for and my voice acting seems to be getting some recognition. I do feel better after ranting but I know I have a very long way to go to heal and it just sucks right now.
Thank you for reading.
My MIL had a stroke, but the stars really were in alignment for her:background: the DIL and son in this story live in San Diego, we live in Los AngelesI tend to start my stop watch when "things" happen1) She was talking on the phone to a DIL, and DIL noticed the slurred speech.2) DIL told her husband to call my wife, then me (wife was at the gym, and not reachable)3) I was not at the gym due to...
My dad's health is really bad. When he starts running a fever he refuses to follow doctors instructions to immediately get medical attention. This would prevent him from having to go into the hospital. So EVERY TIME he has a cold, he ends up in the hospital. Since he is doing it to himself, if he goes this time I am not going to visit him.