Today, I lost it. I am so tired of being tired. Of giving everyone around me 100% and constantly being asked for more. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is for everyone else. I can not do this anymore. I feel so flipping invisible and useless. I am doing everything to the best of my ability and the most anyone is getting out of me is half-a##. The laundry puddles all over the floor, the children's rooms are strewn with dirty clothes, trash, crumbs, paper scraps, pissy smelling linens. The dishes are never ending and always seem to be in the sink. I am forever in the damn car doing the hubby shuttle run! I barely get 4.5 hours sleep a day. I am fighting for that little bit. I can't get to my homework because once again the computer is on the fritz and only works when it feels like it. My workouts are so much less than they were before and I am really starting to give two flipping birds whether I even get to it. I get to work late everyday. I come here and I work numbers and balance the books while visions of sugarplums dance in my head. Constant guest complaints. I just feel like my life is completely out of my hands right now and no one will even let me talk about feeling overwhelmed. They won't hear of it. You have no choice they tell me this is how it has to be so, just do it. Oh screw that! I am sick of it sick of it sick of it!!! I AM having a tantrum tonight and I AM sorry if that inconveniences some people to know that I am freaking human.

I long to tuck my kids in at night, read them books, bake cookies, and take them to the park or library without a time limit...Without my general's hat! I long to sit leisurely and crochet the evening away or read a good book while soaking in the tub. I long to come home to a clean house, maybe some flowers and an I love you honey for working so hard.

You know, he is the one for 6 months who sat and felt depressed while video gaming his nights and days away. While I worked the 11pm-7am. Now, we are doing this maniac driving drill and he blames me for my car blowing up but if he had been looking for a damn job he wouldn't have had to take the first one that called and been stuck driving an hour each way. But no, its always my fault. I am the one who can't manage money. I am the one who is a slob. I am the one who got us in this mess. Well, you know what....It wasn't all me. But you will never hear that confession. He can sit there with his jealous hat looking down on me for my misstep. But what of the 7 months when I was left to do it all myself. I missed my own brother's wedding because I couldn't bring myself to go and hear all the questions of where he is. That's my fault too. Calling my family asking them to babysit and constantly hearing why can't he do it. Yea, but he didn't want anyone to know we were separated. So I had to hear all the name calling and useless things they had to say about my marriage. And he wonders why my family is so displeased with him.

I know that I spent years dragging him down Lord with my depression. And I know how much my family, finances, and relationship suffered for it but do I have to be punished for the rest of my life. At what point are we even. At what point, is that erased off my record.

God, please please please send me a miracle. An answer to this misery. There has to be a way out. I am not looking for easy street. I just want to be able to make money to pay my bills and have time to take care of my family, my new home, time to sleep and some time for myself. I know there are people in this world that have it so much harder than I do and I am so sorry for complaining. Blame it on my exhaustion. Or, blame it on my selfishness as my hubby does. I am sorry for being selfish but I am tired Lord.

(sorry this was my journal entry for tonight and I just wanted to post it to the community as well...)