Has anyone seen the movie Awakenings? Really sad - Robert DiNero plays a man with a terribly debilitating physical and mental disability and Robin Williams is his doctor who decides to try an experimental medicine. It works and suddenly these people are normal and experience life for the first time. Eventually, the treatment fails and they all have to watch themselves slip back into their own personal hell as slowly as you can imagine. This very long description is how I feel. I have lived with depression since I was a child because of my living situation. I recently sought treatment because somehow it dawned on me that this is not normal (I thought it was just how people felt) and I should get help. I have experienced happiness and optimism for the first time in my life. I feel normal - not ecstatic or manic. No highs and lows. Just a more normal, balanced out look on life. It's like coming out of the dark, not even knowing light exists. But last night I had a serious slip. I have been thinking about my serious memory loss and I got angry and sad. I feel like I have been robbed - those are my memories. Good or bad, I want them back. I still forget a lot of things. I'm not talking about appointments or where I put my keys. I mean entire gaps in my past. After thinking about this, I got extremely depressed and I started crying really hard. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life and future. Why should I try to control anything when it will all go wrong? Where the hell did this come from all of the sudden? I feel like I have woken up from a lovely dream, only to realize that my reality still sucks. I think that the fact that I have forgotten my past for a reason is what sparked it - but I went off on this long trail of thoughts that started out at "god I have forgotten a lot of stuff" and ended at "why should I try to get better? I am at the mercy of life and however my brain chooses to interpret it. Unfortunately for me, my brain is more inclined to be depressed then happy. I am trying to snap out of it but I'm so confused. I have been so down all day today. Has anyone ever felt this way? Like once you started becoming happy, that something was pulling you back to the dark side again and no matter how hard you tried, all you could do is watch your slow descent? At least I know that I CAN be happy. That gives me a bit of hope (however small my hope is, it's more than I have ever had.)
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